And then it strikes again

Grief. Truly, the never ending journey. A struggle, not to be conquered. A war, not to be won.  It's been a few days since I cried. I actually thought it had been about a week. Then I remembered Wednesday and sure enough I also lost the battle to grief just 3 days ago. And here I thought I was doing so well, not to cry in relentless heartache and pain for several days… But it was only 3 days.

Sometimes I find it easier than others to realize that we can and will miss you, baby Stella, for the rest of our lives. And in the same breath, to realize, you are never coming back. And that it is what it is…as long as we live on this earth without you, we will MISS you. Forever.

Sometimes I find it easier than others to be positive and hopeful that we will be pregnant again soon. Hopeful that next time we will get our living "take home baby." We pray for our rainbow baby, your younger sibling, every single night before we go to bed. We hold that baby in a special place in our hearts, as we impatiently wait to hold that baby in our arms. I often dream of the day they take me back into the operating room, and a living, crying, breathing baby is delivered. Sometimes, it's a difficult dream to wake up to, when I realize it's a dream that isn't quite within my reach. But it keeps me hopeful. And then, out of no where, it's like I'm being suffocated all over again. Like I've been dropped in a deep, dark hole, never to see the light of day. With nothing in this world to be hopeful about. Because you are still gone. I still miss you. Beyond the imagination of anyone that hasn't lost a child. I don't know what it's like to be a mother to a living baby outside of my body, but baby Stella, you were very much alive inside of me. And if any of you mothers can imagine what it would be like to lose your living children, take that feeling times a 1,000 and I bet you still wouldn't even be close. The pain is unbearable, constant, and the part that pisses me off the most…the pain will last FOREVER.

Please baby Stella, please bring us peace, comfort, and most of all hope. Bring us to a place of more than 3 days without tears. We love you more than anything in this world, and the world beyond.