March 10, 2013-- The day I learned I was pregnant with you, Stella St. Clair. I don't even know how to explain that day, those feelings… Excited. Nervous. Thrilled. Naive. We had all we ever dreamed of, and more. Yet, here we are exactly one year later, and you are not here. We are not excited, nervous, thrilled, or naive. We are sad, anxious, angry, and devastated. What a difference a year makes.
Fast forward to March 10, 2014-- Instead of learning I'm pregnant with the daughter of my dreams, I get that remember that not only am I not a mom to a 4 month old baby girl, like I should be, but I'm not pregnant with my rainbow baby either. So much for all the "rainbow" signs, songs, hopes, and dreams in the month of February. They were clearly all a figment of my messed up human imagination. A wish not to be granted. An prayer not to be answered. All for naught. Now we are up against at least one more month without a baby in our arms. One more month, that feels like an eternity, desiring something we should already have right in front of us. Everyday without you or one of your siblings in my arms, feels like a thousand years. No one should ever have to feel these empty arms, that literally ache to hold and rock a baby. I have no doubt, days like today are going to make this indescribable journey we are on even longer, even rougher, even more challenging. Not that I believe we need more of a challenge in our lives, but I suppose what doesn't kill you does make you stronger, or so they say. Another "saying" that we are unfortunately going to be forced to put to the test.
Have a good evening celebrating your buddy's 5 months in Heaven. We are envious of you both. We believe one day you both will grant us the peace, joy, and happiness we all deserve. Our hearts ache for you with a pain no human should have to endure.
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