Time and faith

For the second Sunday in a row at church, they have played "On Eagle's Wings." The song we played at your funeral, baby Stella. The song we buried our daughter to. I'm not going to lie, today I left immediately as it started. I maybe heard 20 seconds of the song, ran to the parking lot, got in the car, turned on the radio, and still couldn't stop crying for a good 5 minutes. Last week, I listened to the entire song on repeat in the pew next to your daddy. We cried and cried, as we were taken back to the 2nd worst day of our lives. The day we buried our baby girl. I just couldn't do it again today. It's too big of a trigger that takes me too far back, to a dark, ugly place on this unbelievable journey. Maybe with time, it will become a less painful memory, and more peaceful as we learn how to honor you better. Maybe with a little more time.

Church in general has been a difficult place for us since this journey began. There's a lot of talk about peace, joy, death, eternal life, and things that are closer to our hearts than we ever imagined. And although, church is difficult, I'm starting to believe we need it now more than we ever have before. I've unfortunately met several people with similar trials and loss in their lives, and the common theme of faith continues to show up. Giving it up to God. Knowing there is bigger purpose here on earth. Believing that our pain has meaning, and that joy is still to come.

"Very truly I tell you, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy." (John 16: 20, 22)

Very simply, God tell us we will have pain and suffering. We will have grief. If we choose to follow Him, we will have unfortunate and unhappy times. We weren't put on this earth only for pleasure or comfort. We are here to suffer. But if we do follow Him with all our hearts, what's coming must be so great. Beyond our human understanding. They say the pain is for a little while, but the joy will last for forever. So, if I have to live on this earth without my baby girl, but I can have faith that it is just for a short time, while we are on our way to where we all truly want to be… a place of joy and peace for eternity. Then so be it. We have no choice and we can't do it alone.

Time and faith. Two things you apparently must have when you are forced down the road of learning to live without your child.

Love you, my precious baby girl.