Forever

I will live forever without my daughter. For the rest of my time on this earth. Possibly 70+ years. This is the part that is getting to me lately. I hate that I will be changed forever. For the rest of my life. I'm trying to come to terms with the fact we will never have Stella back. Never. But this means the rest of my life will be affected. Literally, everyday, all day, for the rest of my life. I might hopefully (God willing) have other living children someday. Maybe 3 or 4 babies, but I will still be missing my first baby. My first daughter, maybe my only daughter. Forever. I will always be curious about what she would have been, what she would have looked like, what she would be doing… The wonder will never stop, until the day I am with her again. Yes, I'm young and sure I can have other babies, maybe. But, my other babies will never replace Stella. And, I will forever be a bereaved mother, a mother without her first child. This will affect how I parent our other children. This will affect who I am as a wife. A daughter. A sister. Stella will be missing from everything we ever do. All of our future children will be missing their older sister. Our lives will never be perfectly full again. And it just angers me that this is a "forever" experience. Though, I would never want it to be different, because we will always want to include Stella in our lives. She is making us who we are, everyday. It's all just more difficult than it should be. And it will forever be. 

We will love and miss you forever, Stella. And losing you will make a difference in our lives, forever.