4 months

Here we are. Another whole month down the road. Down the road of us learning to live without you, baby girl. You have been gone 4 months. How could that possibly be? We've been miserably unhappy for 4 months, while you have been blissfully happy. How could that possibly be? Feels like yesterday, and feels like a lifetime ago….wait, it was a lifetime ago. Yours.

Yesterday I had an open house to celebrate moving into my new office. Celebrate? What's that? It was supposed to be "Come See My New Office and Meet My Baby!" But there was no baby. Just a big, ugly elephant in the room that no one knew whether or not to talk about. We talked about you, don't worry. We talked about you, amidst pretending life was good and we were excited about my new office. It was 3 challenging hours, but you were there with us. In spirit. I know, because we never could have survived without your strength guiding us through.

I also curled my hair and wore makeup yesterday, for the first time since November 6th. Sounds silly, right? But I just hadn't been about to make myself care about my appearance before. 17 Wednesdays later, and something told me it would be ok. Must have been you. Life is definitely different and more difficult than I could have ever possibly imagined.

I'm so sad and so sorry you aren't here for me to take your picture with your 4 month sticker on your onesie. I bet Nathan or Jesus helped you put it on today though and I bet you looked precious. I bet. I'm so sorry we have to live apart for so long. I love you, my bright little star. When I get to see you again, I'll never let you go.