And then it strikes again

Grief. Truly, the never ending journey. A struggle, not to be conquered. A war, not to be won.  It's been a few days since I cried. I actually thought it had been about a week. Then I remembered Wednesday and sure enough I also lost the battle to grief just 3 days ago. And here I thought I was doing so well, not to cry in relentless heartache and pain for several days… But it was only 3 days.

Sometimes I find it easier than others to realize that we can and will miss you, baby Stella, for the rest of our lives. And in the same breath, to realize, you are never coming back. And that it is what it is…as long as we live on this earth without you, we will MISS you. Forever.

Sometimes I find it easier than others to be positive and hopeful that we will be pregnant again soon. Hopeful that next time we will get our living "take home baby." We pray for our rainbow baby, your younger sibling, every single night before we go to bed. We hold that baby in a special place in our hearts, as we impatiently wait to hold that baby in our arms. I often dream of the day they take me back into the operating room, and a living, crying, breathing baby is delivered. Sometimes, it's a difficult dream to wake up to, when I realize it's a dream that isn't quite within my reach. But it keeps me hopeful. And then, out of no where, it's like I'm being suffocated all over again. Like I've been dropped in a deep, dark hole, never to see the light of day. With nothing in this world to be hopeful about. Because you are still gone. I still miss you. Beyond the imagination of anyone that hasn't lost a child. I don't know what it's like to be a mother to a living baby outside of my body, but baby Stella, you were very much alive inside of me. And if any of you mothers can imagine what it would be like to lose your living children, take that feeling times a 1,000 and I bet you still wouldn't even be close. The pain is unbearable, constant, and the part that pisses me off the most…the pain will last FOREVER.

Please baby Stella, please bring us peace, comfort, and most of all hope. Bring us to a place of more than 3 days without tears. We love you more than anything in this world, and the world beyond.

Flowers at your grave

My cousin wanted to know if she could go visit your grave and bring you flowers. Of course, I said yes and how very thoughtful…especially since mommy and daddy can't get there to visit very often. And how sweet of her to bring you a little frog friend too. This further confirms we picked the best place we could to bury you, near your wonderful family. At the end of the email conversation, I said "I look forward to seeing a picture of the flowers at my baby's grave." WHAT?! What a messed up sentence. To go along with this messed up world. How could I possibly look forward to seeing flowers on my baby's GRAVE?! I guess that is what my life has come to. I can't have my baby in my arms, so I like to see flowers at her grave. It's certainly nothing I ever fathomed being my life, but there is also no changing it. You're gone, baby Stella. Gone, forever. From this horrible, painful, messed up world. You're on to much bigger and better things up in Heaven. Can't wait to see you again.

And I will give him the morning star. Rev 2:28

Mommy misses you

Found this on another friend's blog, who is grieving her baby son. Again, I could not have said it better myself, unfortunately. 

“Do not judge the bereaved mother. She comes in many forms. She is breathing, but she is dying. She may look young, but inside she has become ancient. She smiles, but her heart sobs. She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS, but she IS NOT, all at once. She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity."

You should be here baby girl, all day, everyday, in everything I do. I cannot comprehend how much my heart misses you. 

A song for comfort

A good friend of my fathers told him about a song, in hopes to bring our heartbroken family some comfort. He said this song is helpful to his family at this time, as they go through their own trials and pain. 

I would say it's a pretty good one, that really speaks to what we must continue to believe in. A greater purpose. Blessings. Healing. Peace. Even if it is through desperation and darkness sometimes.

Laura Story- "Blessings"

We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
And all the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your word is not enough
And all the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not,
This is not our home
It's not our home

'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near

What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise

Couldn't have said it better myself. What if?

Yet I am confident I will see the Lord's goodness while I am here in the land of the living. Psalms 27:13

Miss you today and everyday, baby girl. 

Forever

I will live forever without my daughter. For the rest of my time on this earth. Possibly 70+ years. This is the part that is getting to me lately. I hate that I will be changed forever. For the rest of my life. I'm trying to come to terms with the fact we will never have Stella back. Never. But this means the rest of my life will be affected. Literally, everyday, all day, for the rest of my life. I might hopefully (God willing) have other living children someday. Maybe 3 or 4 babies, but I will still be missing my first baby. My first daughter, maybe my only daughter. Forever. I will always be curious about what she would have been, what she would have looked like, what she would be doing… The wonder will never stop, until the day I am with her again. Yes, I'm young and sure I can have other babies, maybe. But, my other babies will never replace Stella. And, I will forever be a bereaved mother, a mother without her first child. This will affect how I parent our other children. This will affect who I am as a wife. A daughter. A sister. Stella will be missing from everything we ever do. All of our future children will be missing their older sister. Our lives will never be perfectly full again. And it just angers me that this is a "forever" experience. Though, I would never want it to be different, because we will always want to include Stella in our lives. She is making us who we are, everyday. It's all just more difficult than it should be. And it will forever be. 

We will love and miss you forever, Stella. And losing you will make a difference in our lives, forever. 

Peaceful place

Peace. A place I'm apparently only allowed to go to for brief periods of time. This post was supposed to be about something beautiful, that gave us a great sense of peace and comfort today. But in our unfortunate world, one day cannot only exist of one emotion. It had to go from anxious to peaceful to bitter, jealous, angry…call it what you want.

It's hard to believe that just 19 Wednesdays ago we were headed to the hospital assuming baby Stella would be born… Instead Stella died, and today we went to donate all of the money we have received for Stella's Memorial to the Make-A-Wish Foundation. What a difference a few weeks make.

That being said, today we feel as though we did something very special. Something that all of our beloved family and friends helped us do. Something we will forever hold dear to our hearts. With our family and friends contributions, we donated almost $6,000 to the Make-A-Wish Foundation on behalf of Stella St. Clair Phelan. That is enough money to grant one child a "wish" in honor of Stella. These "wishes" include traveling to a dream destination, meeting a Disney character, etc. And the only way for a child to qualify for one of these wishes, is they must have a life threatening disease or terminal illness. Let us just say, we don't envy those parents. We got to choose to grant a wish for a young girl that wants to travel somewhere, since we love to travel and Stella would have traveled the world with us. They will tell us more as they find this little girl and what her wish is. 

The overwhelming sense of peace this created in our hearts is indescribable. We are helping a family, that is likely going to bury their own baby girl someday, grant their daughter a wish that would otherwise be impossible. Stella, with her precious life, lost way too soon, is helping another little girl fulfill her dream while here on earth.

Mark also decided he will be hosting an annual golf tournament in November, in honor of Stella St. Clair, with all donations going to Make-A-Wish. We have been wanting to find a way to honor our sweet baby girl, every year, for as long as we can. Since we will miss her and and dream of her everyday, we want others to remember her as well. What a better way, than an annual golf tournament…something already close to her daddy's heart. 

We went to dinner after our meeting at Make-A-Wish. Feeling positive, courageous, and peaceful for once. Of course, a family had to come in with a little girl they couldn't control and treated terribly. Then a family had to come sit right next to us with a little girl, little boy, and an infant in a carseat. Awesome. Too close for comfort, too jealous, and they just had no clue. One day that might hurt less, one day. 

So, we've realized once again, the world won't stop turning, as much as we would like it to. We go to bed every night without Stella. We wake up every morning without Stella. Just like we will for the rest of our lives. But since life must move forward, Stella's legacy will live on and she will be remembered forever. We can never have her back, but we will make sure everyone knows about her, no one will forget her, as long as we live. 

We will be providing more information about the Make-A-Wish Foundation and the Stella St. Clair Memorial in the coming weeks. We love you baby girl and you are doing wonderful things here on earth, because you are gone. Thank you. 

Time and faith

For the second Sunday in a row at church, they have played "On Eagle's Wings." The song we played at your funeral, baby Stella. The song we buried our daughter to. I'm not going to lie, today I left immediately as it started. I maybe heard 20 seconds of the song, ran to the parking lot, got in the car, turned on the radio, and still couldn't stop crying for a good 5 minutes. Last week, I listened to the entire song on repeat in the pew next to your daddy. We cried and cried, as we were taken back to the 2nd worst day of our lives. The day we buried our baby girl. I just couldn't do it again today. It's too big of a trigger that takes me too far back, to a dark, ugly place on this unbelievable journey. Maybe with time, it will become a less painful memory, and more peaceful as we learn how to honor you better. Maybe with a little more time.

Church in general has been a difficult place for us since this journey began. There's a lot of talk about peace, joy, death, eternal life, and things that are closer to our hearts than we ever imagined. And although, church is difficult, I'm starting to believe we need it now more than we ever have before. I've unfortunately met several people with similar trials and loss in their lives, and the common theme of faith continues to show up. Giving it up to God. Knowing there is bigger purpose here on earth. Believing that our pain has meaning, and that joy is still to come.

"Very truly I tell you, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy." (John 16: 20, 22)

Very simply, God tell us we will have pain and suffering. We will have grief. If we choose to follow Him, we will have unfortunate and unhappy times. We weren't put on this earth only for pleasure or comfort. We are here to suffer. But if we do follow Him with all our hearts, what's coming must be so great. Beyond our human understanding. They say the pain is for a little while, but the joy will last for forever. So, if I have to live on this earth without my baby girl, but I can have faith that it is just for a short time, while we are on our way to where we all truly want to be… a place of joy and peace for eternity. Then so be it. We have no choice and we can't do it alone.

Time and faith. Two things you apparently must have when you are forced down the road of learning to live without your child.

Love you, my precious baby girl.

If only

Wednesday, the day we met hell on earth. Wednesday, the day you went straight to God's arms. If I never had to see another Wednesday, I would be ok with that… if only I had that choice.

Your Ring

Your ring arrived today. The custom designed Stella St. Clair ring, that I will wear everyday in your memory and your honor. I don't get my baby girl, so I get a ring instead. Sounds pitiful and sad. It is. But, it is also beautiful and perfect, just like you. We cried when I got it, we do that a lot. But it just means so much to us since we designed it to specifically memorialize you. Our world. I have your daddy to thank for this special tribute to you. He insisted : )

It's a precious topaz, your birthstone. November. There are 6 baguette diamonds for your birthday, the 6th. And my favorite part… 38 little round diamonds to represent the 38 blissful weeks you were alive, here on earth with us. Safe and sound in my belly. It's hard to believe that just 18 weeks ago you were still alive in my belly. I would give anything in this world to feel those moments with you again. 

Instead, you'll be with me all day, everyday, on my hand and in my heart. Forever. 

Life 1 year ago

March 10, 2013-- The day I learned I was pregnant with you, Stella St. Clair. I don't even know how to explain that day, those feelings… Excited. Nervous. Thrilled. Naive. We had all we ever dreamed of, and more. Yet, here we are exactly one year later, and you are not here. We are not excited, nervous, thrilled, or naive. We are sad, anxious, angry, and devastated. What a difference a year makes. 

Fast forward to March 10, 2014-- Instead of learning I'm pregnant with the daughter of my dreams, I get that remember that not only am I not a mom to a 4 month old baby girl, like I should be, but I'm not pregnant with my rainbow baby either. So much for all the "rainbow" signs, songs, hopes, and dreams in the month of February.  They were clearly all a figment of my messed up human imagination. A wish not to be granted. An prayer not to be answered. All for naught. Now we are up against at least one more month without a baby in our arms. One more month, that feels like an eternity, desiring something we should already have right in front of us. Everyday without you or one of your siblings in my arms, feels like a thousand years. No one should ever have to feel these empty arms, that literally ache to hold and rock a baby. I have no doubt, days like today are going to make this indescribable journey we are on even longer, even rougher, even more challenging. Not that I believe we need more of a challenge in our lives, but I suppose what doesn't kill you does make you stronger, or so they say. Another "saying" that we are unfortunately going to be forced to put to the test. 

Have a good evening celebrating your buddy's 5 months in Heaven. We are envious of you both. We believe one day you both will grant us the peace, joy, and happiness we all deserve. Our hearts ache for you with a pain no human should have to endure. 

Miss you beyond words

Your grandparents left today. Grandpa Bill and Grandma Julie. They were here the last 3 weeks. They originally planned to be here that long to spend time with you. I miss them already. Your grandma was going to watch you while I was at work. It was difficult for all of us to feel the obvious, empty void that was missing from their visit. You. But at the same time it was so wonderful to spend time with them. We talked about you almost non-stop. Sometimes it was through tears. Sometimes it was through pain. Misery. Disbelief. But, most of the time it was through joy. The unbelievable joy and fun we all had preparing for you. We were all so innocent and naive when I was pregnant with you. Everything was just blissful and happy. Thank you for those times, baby Stella. They were some of the best times in all of our lives. 

We are all grieving for you. All day, everyday. We will never "accept" this loss. But we will come together as a family and move forward, not move on. But forward. We have to, life keeps going. We have no choice and we all know you wouldn't want us to stay where we are, suffering. Our family is loving and strong. We always have each other. We have faith in God and you. We will somehow survive.

I love you, Stella St. Clair. 

Your grandma

Today I want to take a moment to thank your grandma. Grandma Julie. Unfortunately, we don't know what you might have actually called her. Nana? Granny? Gabby? We'll never know. Or at least not until we get to join you in Heaven. However, she is amazing. I know you already know this, but she's really something special. She's my mom and my best friend. Kind of what I hoped you and I would be some day. She loved you before she even knew you were on your way. And the second she learned you were a baby girl, she started spoiling you with clothes, shoes, you name it. You are named after her great great grandma, Stella St. Clair. She helped me prepare your nursery, wash all of your adorable baby clothes, she even bought you your very first tutu. You would have been so spoiled. She wasn't your mother, she didn't lose her first daughter, but she gets me. She gets this heartbreaking experience as much as she can. She grieves for the loss of her first granddaughter, but she also grieves for me. Because she has to watch her daughter in so much anguish and pain. Something I don't envy, because I will never have to watch you be in pain. Thank you God for that.

Your grandma misses you so much. Her heart aches… For you, for me, for your daddy. I know she's still your grandma, but she wishes you were here on earth rock, hold, and love. You were so special, so wanted, so loved… And you always will be.

Please shine your light on your Grandma Julie today. Give her peace and comfort, that she so deserves.

Your family on earth misses you so.

A picture of your grandma and me at your 3rd baby shower! 32 weeks pregnant. 

4 months

Here we are. Another whole month down the road. Down the road of us learning to live without you, baby girl. You have been gone 4 months. How could that possibly be? We've been miserably unhappy for 4 months, while you have been blissfully happy. How could that possibly be? Feels like yesterday, and feels like a lifetime ago….wait, it was a lifetime ago. Yours.

Yesterday I had an open house to celebrate moving into my new office. Celebrate? What's that? It was supposed to be "Come See My New Office and Meet My Baby!" But there was no baby. Just a big, ugly elephant in the room that no one knew whether or not to talk about. We talked about you, don't worry. We talked about you, amidst pretending life was good and we were excited about my new office. It was 3 challenging hours, but you were there with us. In spirit. I know, because we never could have survived without your strength guiding us through.

I also curled my hair and wore makeup yesterday, for the first time since November 6th. Sounds silly, right? But I just hadn't been about to make myself care about my appearance before. 17 Wednesdays later, and something told me it would be ok. Must have been you. Life is definitely different and more difficult than I could have ever possibly imagined.

I'm so sad and so sorry you aren't here for me to take your picture with your 4 month sticker on your onesie. I bet Nathan or Jesus helped you put it on today though and I bet you looked precious. I bet. I'm so sorry we have to live apart for so long. I love you, my bright little star. When I get to see you again, I'll never let you go.

Life was good

Miserable. There's no other way to explain it. You should be here. You should be 17 weeks old. I should have insisted on going to the hospital 17 easy Tuesdays ago. When life was good and simple.

Been using my positive thinking lately, and choosing to hope and believe that I might be pregnant with your sibling, my rainbow baby. But, let's be honest…I cannot hope, think, or wish myself pregnant. Having faith in better days to come, cannot make me pregnant. So, that being said, I'm going to obviously assume I'm not lucky enough to be pregnant. Forget it. Life is no longer that good or simple. It is for most you, but it isn't for me. Never will be.

By now, most people assume we have moved on. Because, they most certainly have. Life does go on. And to most, it's been a long time, we should be over this small loss. We just lost a baby, happens all the time. We're young, we can have another. No big deal. NOT A CHANCE.  OUR DAUGHTER DIED. The pain never subsides, no matter how much other people around us wish it would. And some days, in the last 17 weeks, we are worse than we were the day we learned of the horrific news. The news that we would never see our daughter open her eyes, never hear our daughter cry, never rock our daughter to sleep…Why? Because she was already sleeping, in peace. More peacefully than any of us here on earth will ever know.

No one ever said life would be easy, but they did promise it would be worth it. I'll have to get back to you on that one…because, at this point, I seriously doubt it.

Life is just difficult and it will forever be.

Help provide us the strength to keep going, baby Stella. Help us.