Change

I always wondered how you would change me, baby girl. Physically, mentally, emotionally? Who would I be? I am different, very different. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. I knew I would never be the same. I didn't know how or what it would feel like. I know everyone said whatever it was, it was all worth it and the greatest experience of their lives.  But unfortunately, I still don't really know who I am or who I should be. Physically, my boobs are bigger and more saggy. My entire body is bigger and more saggy. But why? I don't have a baby. I am not really a mother. Yet, I swear I grew and carried a baby for the last 9 months of my life. Mentally, I'm a very unhappy, unsettled person that has not been allowed to complete a job I know I was once given. I was given and blessed with the job of growing, birthing, and raising a child. Yet, here I am unable to do any of that. I'm mentally unwell and uncomfortable. Emotionally. Wow, how can we even go there. I'm an emotional disaster. Miserable. Pissed. Jealous. Unstable. Most people have sex, pee on a stick, and have a healthy, happy baby to love and raise. But, not me. And now, I will never get to be that naive.

I love you, my daughter….that I know I grew and created to be so perfect.