I am supposed to be a mom. Mark is supposed to be a dad. Yet here we are, neither. We are in Hawaii this week. Sounds nice, right? What most people don't know is that we chose this trip as the first trip to bring baby Stella on. This was supposed to be her first trip to the beach. Yes, she would have been spoiled, and we could not wait to spoil her. We should be here as a mom and dad to a three month old baby girl. But no, we're just here. Just here trying to enjoy the beauty and wonder that is Hawaii. Who ever thought they would have to "try" to enjoy Hawaii. Well here we are, trying. We cannot turn off the thoughts of "how this should look, what our lives should look like, here..with our baby girl." She should be here in her cute little swimsuit and hat. Would she be a happy baby? Would she cry all the time? Would we need to be in the hotel room all day so she could nap? Would she have enjoyed her stroller? I don't know. I don't know what it is like to have a 3 month old baby girl, but I'm certain I should know. Instead, I'll just wonder.
There are people everywhere with children and babies, which is surprisingly getting more enjoyable to see. Babies are supposed to be born alive. People are supposed to have full families, without heartache. They cannot possibly know what they have or how lucky they are, but I know. I know how lucky they are. I can only dream of a family, and unfortunately my story will never be "full or without heartache," but will always have an emptiness and much heartache.
This is not what my life was supposed to look like. I wasn't supposed to be dreaming of being a mom to my baby girl, but I am. And in my dreams it's beautiful and happy. Stella is perfect and I love her more than I ever knew possible. I joke to Mark and our cat Pixie, they should feel lucky I love them so much and pay so much attention to them, because if my baby Stella was here, she would have given them a serious run for their money.
I love you my sweetheart, Stella St. Clair, and cannot wait to hold you again.
This is the story of a mom trying to survive without her perfect, precious, stillborn daughter. We will never forget you, Stella St. Clair. If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever.
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