All words and phrases I wish I didn't know anything about. I'm devastated that love and loss have changed me forever. There is a hole in my heart, that I fear can never be filled. But, since it's a hole that belongs to my first daughter, I also don't want it to be filled.
I thought I was a strong person before this heartache, that has created an emptiness that will last a lifetime. I feel weak and fragile. And, now sometimes people tell me I'm so strong, as if I have a choice. Anything, at any time, that anyone says can hurt me. When people say nothing at all, it hurts me. It's not that I'm not strong. I think the fact that I'm still here and still going, takes some strength. But I struggle with my emotions, when to share them and when to keep them to myself. I've heard that healing comes from being open with your emotions, allowing them to be felt and expressed. That keeping them hidden away only makes the already heavy load harder to carry. For reasons I can only assume include self-preservation, some people won't read my blog, assume I'm all better, or don't want to know how I feel. Maybe they think it's all just too sad. But it's my reality, every moment of everyday. That there is a baby missing in my life, in everything I do.
I pray to find the strength to be true to my feelings, regardless of others expectations. I don't want to pretend I'm not missing my baby. I don't want to pretend I'm just fine. I hope this strength can give me courage to keep going as I learn how to live a life I never expected.
My heart is now fragile and will forever have an empty aching hole, but I hope with time and being true to myself, it will one day begin to heal, if even just a little. The hole will always have your name on it and be filled with love for you, baby Stella.
You were loved all of your life, and you will be loved for the rest of mine.
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