Wednesday-Regrets

I'm sure most would say having regrets is a wasted emotion or feeling. But there are a few I'm having a hard time finding peace with.

I regret not having a picture of baby Stella taken in the operating room right after she was delivered, when Mark held her to meet me. There should be a picture of our little family of 3. Our little, very sad family of 3.

I regret not holding baby Stella the night she was delivered. I was too numb, exhausted, in disbelief, and in pain. I couldn't feel most of my body and I couldn't get my head around what was happening to us. I wanted to believe it was a horrible nightmare that would be over when I woke up the next morning. But, when I woke the next morning, it was still real and they brought baby Stella for me to hold for the first time. I wish I would have held her the night before too. Never enough time holding her.

I regret not putting a big flower bow on are her pretty little curls and taking a picture. Just one picture. This might sound silly, but I had always dreamed of how precious she would look with a big pretty bow on her head. I had one in my hospital bag, expecting to be able to put it on her when I brought my baby home from the hospital with me. But now, I'm still only dreaming of how precious she would look.

I can't blame myself too much for the 3 previous regrets, because how in the world do you know what you are going to wish you had done, when your world turns upside with tragedy. I'm surprised and happy we handled most things the way we did. Who thinks in advance of all the things they want to make sure and do with their dead baby? No one. Because babies aren't supposed to die.

And my biggest and most worthless regret….Not going to the hospital Tuesday when we last knew she was alive, but suspected something might be wrong. Or even going Wednesday morning, instead waiting until afternoon. I can't know that the outcome would have been different, but I will forever wonder. And that pain is enough to make me sick.

 Romans 8:18 The pain that you've been feeling, can't compare to the joy that's coming. 

BRING ON THAT JOY. I love you baby girl, forever.