3 months in Heaven

How have we lived on this earth for a quarter of a year without you, baby Stella? I do hope the last 3 months have been more enjoyable for you than they have been for us. What is a 3 month old doing in Heaven? I wonder if you're smiling and laughing by now. I wonder if your curls are getting longer and looking even more precious with your big bows. I wonder if you are chubby, like sweet baby chubby…hands, feet, cheeks… I wonder.

I feel like I should have more to say to you today, baby girl… But the last couple of days have been rough, missing you. And grieving is exhausting. I recently read one day of grieving is the same as 8 hours of manual labor. It is hard on my mind, my body, and most of all, my heart. I am worn out. I am so sick and tired of being so damn sad. 

In Hawaii, on February 1st, we saw a beautiful rainbow. It was huge and so bright. Maybe it's a sign. A sign that February is our month to be blessed with our rainbow baby. I'm going to choose to believe this to be true. I'm going to pray for this to be true. I might sound crazy, and I undoubtedly am. But I have to believe in something or I'm going to lose what's left of my mind. February is the same month we got pregnant with baby Stella, so if it did happen, our rainbow baby would be due in November, just like our angel baby. I don't want another baby born in November. That is Stella's month. And I fear those same 9 months would be beyond challenging for my soul. But, I want another baby bad enough and I crave some ounce of joy bad enough, it would be worth it. I need something to look towards, to see my way out of this long, horribly dark tunnel. I need to see light on the horizon, and the rainbow after the storm.