We love you

I want to be a mom. I want to be a mom. I want to be a mom. Wait, I am a mom. I am. I can't prove it with a child here on earth. My daughter is in Heaven. But, I am a mom. The most difficult kind of mom that exists, a bereaved mom. One who has to love and parent their child from a distance. That distance being Heaven and earth. Such a great distance, that most will never know. I can't and don't envy you. You will never have the life, love, faith, and relationships I have. Lucky you.

However, I can truly and honestly say, we wouldn't trade this life for anyone else's. We wouldn't give up our lives as parents to an angel. Our own personal guardian angel, how many people have that? If I knew when I got pregnant with Stella what the outcome would be, I wouldn't change a second. If I knew the intense, unending, heartache that was coming, I still wouldn't change a thing. I regret nothing. Nothing. Creating and growing you, baby Stella, was the most unbelievable, beautiful experience of my life, and always will be. The best. You mean the world to us, Stella. I know I've said it before, but you have forever changed our lives. And thank you for that. We want be better for you. We want to honor you, for the rest of our lives. With dignity and grace. Dignity and grace. You deserve it.

We have been sharing and honoring your life a lot lately. It makes us feel so great about what we created. Thank you, precious.

My heart is sick with love for you, baby girl…but...

Your daddy's birthday

It's not happy, but it is your daddy's birthday. His 29th birthday. We get to say goodbye to his 28th year and hello to his 29th. Kind of like the new year, it's bittersweet. You were created, you lived, and you went to Heaven that year. But this birthday, your daddy just misses you. He doesn't want a birthday, he wants his baby girl. You were supposed to be here celebrating with us. So while there is no celebration here on earth for your daddy, blow him a kiss from Heaven and make him feel yours and Gods unending love. 

I hope and pray for your daddy's 29th year to be one of his best yet. I pray that with your help we continue to heal together, work through the loss of you together, and grow stronger to grow our family. 

I'm saddened that this birthday can't be a happy one for your daddy. But I promise I will spend the rest of my life trying to make the remainder of his birthdays better. He deserves to be happy again and I ask for your help to be strong enough to bring him that happiness again. 

I love you and your daddy more than anything in this world.



Below you and your daddy's first trip to the Grand Canyon this summer. 21 weeks pregnant. You both loved it. Now we know you can see it all day, everyday. Lucky you.

How adorable would you have looked in this onesie for your daddy. Maybe you're wearing it in Heaven today for his birthday. (With a big green bow, of course).

You should be 16 weeks old

Dear baby Stella, today I pray to you. You are in Heaven with God. You have all the power. You have all the glory. While we are still jealous of you, here on earth, we know you can help us. Simply help us to keep believing and to keep having faith, in this mostly messed up, unfair world. Belief in good things to come. Faith in happiness and joy to come again. 

Will you and your buddy Nathan, please say a special prayer tonight. You both know why, and thank you. We need you both now more than ever. We so badly wanted you here with us, but since that cannot be, please help us from where you are. We miss you and for the rest of our days here, we will wonder what it will be like to hold you in our arms again. 

My heart hurts

I miss you more than words, Stella. I know you are in a better place, but I selfishly wake up and go to bed every night missing you and wishing you were here with me. Until the greatest day….when I can see you again… 

Your Grandpa's birthday

Well, Stella St. Clair, you already know this, but it's your grandpa's birthday. Grandpa Bill. I'm bummed you never got to meet him. He was so excited for you and would have spoiled you like crazy. His first and only granddaughter. I know you know all about him though, you can see him from where you are. And, we know you are hanging out with Gabby Edie and Papa Bill today, his mommy and daddy. There are so many good mommy and daddy's in our family. You know how great we would have been, and how badly we all wanted you. Hopefully by your grandpa's next birthday, he will be a grandpa to your living little sibling. For this we pray. We are jealous you are in Heaven and have all the glory. We cannot believe it has been 15 weeks since we first laid eyes on your precious little face. And we dream of the day we can see it again, for eternity. 

Your grandpa and me in Seattle at a wine tasting… well, he was tasting…not you and me : ). 28 weeks pregnant with the daughter of my dreams. 

Your grandpa and grandma, and daddy and mommy, love you baby girl. And, as long as we are here on earth, we will miss you. 

Hole in my heart

Stillbirth. Grief. Bereaved. New normal. A club that most don't know even exists, and definitely no one wants to belong to.

All words and phrases I wish I didn't know anything about. I'm devastated that love and loss have changed me forever. There is a hole in my heart, that I fear can never be filled. But, since it's a hole that belongs to my first daughter, I also don't want it to be filled.

I thought I was a strong person before this heartache, that has created an emptiness that will last a lifetime. I feel weak and fragile. And, now sometimes people tell me I'm so strong, as if I have a choice. Anything, at any time, that anyone says can hurt me. When people say nothing at all, it hurts me. It's not that I'm not strong. I think the fact that I'm still here and still going, takes some strength. But I struggle with my emotions, when to share them and when to keep them to myself. I've heard that healing comes from being open with your emotions, allowing them to be felt and expressed. That keeping them hidden away only makes the already heavy load harder to carry. For reasons I can only assume include self-preservation, some people won't read my blog, assume I'm all better, or don't want to know how I feel. Maybe they think it's all just too sad. But it's my reality, every moment of everyday. That there is a baby missing in my life, in everything I do.

I pray to find the strength to be true to my feelings, regardless of others expectations. I don't want to pretend I'm not missing my baby. I don't want to pretend I'm just fine. I hope this strength can give me courage to keep going as I learn how to live a life I never expected.

My heart is now fragile and will forever have an empty aching hole, but I hope with time and being true to myself, it will one day begin to heal, if even just a little. The hole will always have your name on it and be filled with love for you, baby Stella.

You were loved all of your life, and you will be loved for the rest of mine.

Your mom

Thank you for making me a mom, Stella. It's not the way I pictured it, but I'm still your mom and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. Miss you today and everyday, baby girl. 

Blessed

One of these Wednesdays I hope to not wake up remembering how many Wednesdays it has been since our world came crashing down and sweet baby Stella was delivered. When the news was delivered that no parent ever wants to hear, their worst nightmare. Their child doesn't have a heartbeat. Their daughter is dead. One of these Wednesdays I will try to stop, but this is not the one. 14 Wednesdays ago our lives changed forever, we changed forever, it's that simple.

However, this Wednesday I also woke up feeling blessed. I can count on one hand how many times in the last 14 weeks I have felt blessed. But today, was extra special. I woke up to an email from a very dear friend. This friend had her rainbow baby born just weeks after Stella. Her baby, Daisy, is 6 weeks old. At 3:03 am she writes:

So Daisy and I are up. We've been up for an hour and 20 minutes. We've nursed. We've burped. We've sang. We've bounced. We've danced. And about 40 minutes ago Daisy and I started talking about Stella and Rebecca and I realized I'm mad. I do not have pity for you and Mark because the relationship that the two of you have fostered is incredible and strong and one of true love. But I'm mad at God. I'm mad that I can't call you in 3 hours because I know you'll be up for a feeding and talk about my party animal daughter who refuses to sleep from 1am-3am, while you rub it in that Stella is just the best baby and is already sleeping on a regular schedule. I am hopeful and excited for you and Mark to have those delirious moments in the middle of the night when your rainbow baby the has lovingly not allowed either of you more than two hours of sleep at a time but you are so drunk on love for each other and the new life you both have created that you just laugh and argue over who's turn it is to rock little rainbow baby in only the way the two of you know how. I am jealous of your rainbow baby because I don't know if there has ever been a baby (not even Daisy) in the history of babies who will be loved and cherished and appreciated the way your rainbow baby will, having a guardian baby from heaven guiding you and Mark every minute, every second, every hour. I want you to know we think of you always, Daisy already knows the story of Mark and Rebecca and their beautiful baby Stella, Olive knows which star is Stella's and gets so excited every time she sees it. Josh asks about you and Mark often and tells me he finds himself thinking of Mark and gets angry because he knows there is nothing he can do or say to lessen the grief he feels. I hope this is received as it was intended, an email I wish was a call to let you know you are in our thoughts daily but especially tonight.
Lots of love

Wow. I cannot believe I am blessed enough and lucky enough to have a friend with such compassion for me, my family, and my situation. It's incredible that she knows my heart so well, and at time when she should be so wrapped up in her own family, her career, and must be utterly exhausted with the joy of caring for her infant. She can find a sincere place in her heart to share our heartache with her precious family. In a world where I have a hard time finding things to be thankful for, I cannot begin to explain how thankful I am for this friend. Everyone should be so lucky to have such an amazing friend in their life. 

When I lay down at night, I pray to God to give me peace, courage, and strength to wake up the next morning and just make it through the day…I believe God is speaking to me through this friend. He is blessing me with that peace, courage, and strength I ask for. It's unreal, truly special. 

I've often heard and read that in times of hardship and tragedy, some new friendships will be made, some old ones will be severed, and some existing ones will be truly strengthened beyond our understanding. Fortunately or unfortunately, I get it now.

Today at lunch we heard Canon in D, the song I walked down the aisle to marry the man of my dreams. After that bittersweet memory and moment they played Somewhere Over the Rainbow. Maybe it's another sign… Good things are coming our way. Maybe our rainbow baby. We are due for some good things our way. God is good and he is walking with us as he brings us our blessings this day, and in the days to come. 

We love you Stella St. Clair. Today and everyday. Just as much as we did 14 Wednesdays ago. 

14 Tuesdays

Thanks for the compliment, God. Bring it on, but please walk with us.

Our daughter is an angel

OUR pain is OUR pain

We have decided we are not envious of those who know no heartache, suffering, or pain. They will feel the wrath and misery of life on this earth one way or another, someday. No one gets out of here unscathed. We are not envious of those who are naive and innocent. Although, we will never know those feelings again. We still wouldn't our trade our lives or this experience that God has decided to give us. This is who we are and where we are supposed to be. We simply cannot change it, so we will stand up and deal with it. Luckily, we have been given each other to go though this most unfortunate, unbelievable life together. Many couples don't survive it, trust me when I say this. God doesn't make all couples strong enough to handle such a life, I'm certain. However, at the same time, I know God himself didn't do this to us. He is truly grieving with us. But, thankfully He did give me a husband and life partner that is strong enough to stand up with me, help me through this challenging card we've been dealt, and take this life head on. We will be better people, more understanding spouses, and the most patient parents…someday, God willing. Thanks to God, I have the most amazing husband in the world.

There are many people in this world who experience extreme amounts of pain. Their pain will never be our pain. And our pain will never be their pain. 

Does this mean we are done mourning and being heartbroken over the loss of our precious baby girl…not a chance. We are just working our way through realizing that Stella is truly gone, forever. Stella is in Heaven, waiting for us, and we cannot wait until the day we get to see her again.

Matthew 5:4 Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

Grieving from your perfect, empty nursery tonight... Stella St. Clair.

3 months in Heaven

How have we lived on this earth for a quarter of a year without you, baby Stella? I do hope the last 3 months have been more enjoyable for you than they have been for us. What is a 3 month old doing in Heaven? I wonder if you're smiling and laughing by now. I wonder if your curls are getting longer and looking even more precious with your big bows. I wonder if you are chubby, like sweet baby chubby…hands, feet, cheeks… I wonder.

I feel like I should have more to say to you today, baby girl… But the last couple of days have been rough, missing you. And grieving is exhausting. I recently read one day of grieving is the same as 8 hours of manual labor. It is hard on my mind, my body, and most of all, my heart. I am worn out. I am so sick and tired of being so damn sad. 

In Hawaii, on February 1st, we saw a beautiful rainbow. It was huge and so bright. Maybe it's a sign. A sign that February is our month to be blessed with our rainbow baby. I'm going to choose to believe this to be true. I'm going to pray for this to be true. I might sound crazy, and I undoubtedly am. But I have to believe in something or I'm going to lose what's left of my mind. February is the same month we got pregnant with baby Stella, so if it did happen, our rainbow baby would be due in November, just like our angel baby. I don't want another baby born in November. That is Stella's month. And I fear those same 9 months would be beyond challenging for my soul. But, I want another baby bad enough and I crave some ounce of joy bad enough, it would be worth it. I need something to look towards, to see my way out of this long, horribly dark tunnel. I need to see light on the horizon, and the rainbow after the storm.

 

Wednesday-Regrets

I'm sure most would say having regrets is a wasted emotion or feeling. But there are a few I'm having a hard time finding peace with.

I regret not having a picture of baby Stella taken in the operating room right after she was delivered, when Mark held her to meet me. There should be a picture of our little family of 3. Our little, very sad family of 3.

I regret not holding baby Stella the night she was delivered. I was too numb, exhausted, in disbelief, and in pain. I couldn't feel most of my body and I couldn't get my head around what was happening to us. I wanted to believe it was a horrible nightmare that would be over when I woke up the next morning. But, when I woke the next morning, it was still real and they brought baby Stella for me to hold for the first time. I wish I would have held her the night before too. Never enough time holding her.

I regret not putting a big flower bow on are her pretty little curls and taking a picture. Just one picture. This might sound silly, but I had always dreamed of how precious she would look with a big pretty bow on her head. I had one in my hospital bag, expecting to be able to put it on her when I brought my baby home from the hospital with me. But now, I'm still only dreaming of how precious she would look.

I can't blame myself too much for the 3 previous regrets, because how in the world do you know what you are going to wish you had done, when your world turns upside with tragedy. I'm surprised and happy we handled most things the way we did. Who thinks in advance of all the things they want to make sure and do with their dead baby? No one. Because babies aren't supposed to die.

And my biggest and most worthless regret….Not going to the hospital Tuesday when we last knew she was alive, but suspected something might be wrong. Or even going Wednesday morning, instead waiting until afternoon. I can't know that the outcome would have been different, but I will forever wonder. And that pain is enough to make me sick.

 Romans 8:18 The pain that you've been feeling, can't compare to the joy that's coming. 

BRING ON THAT JOY. I love you baby girl, forever.

Tuesday

13 Tuesdays ago was the last time we felt you move and heard your heartbeat, baby girl. The ache is constant. Why?

Psalm 34:18 The Lord is near the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. 


A Lament for My Baby

I never got to hear you laugh
you never saw me cry
didnt get a chance to say "Hello"
you never said "Goodbye"
I didn't think that I could feel
so sad, lost and forlorn.
I never knew God chose his Angels
before some of them were born.
Your life was short yet special
I shared it all exclusively
I felt you breathe, I felt you kick.
You were alive inside of me.
Every baby is an Angel
and every angel is divine
God needed one in heaven
He came down and took mine
And although we are not together
we're not really apart
for you'll always occupy a space
deep within my heart.
Time has begun to ease my pain
It's only some days now I cry.
When I wish I could have said "Hello"
and heard you say "Goodbye"
~Author Unknown

Change

I always wondered how you would change me, baby girl. Physically, mentally, emotionally? Who would I be? I am different, very different. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. I knew I would never be the same. I didn't know how or what it would feel like. I know everyone said whatever it was, it was all worth it and the greatest experience of their lives.  But unfortunately, I still don't really know who I am or who I should be. Physically, my boobs are bigger and more saggy. My entire body is bigger and more saggy. But why? I don't have a baby. I am not really a mother. Yet, I swear I grew and carried a baby for the last 9 months of my life. Mentally, I'm a very unhappy, unsettled person that has not been allowed to complete a job I know I was once given. I was given and blessed with the job of growing, birthing, and raising a child. Yet, here I am unable to do any of that. I'm mentally unwell and uncomfortable. Emotionally. Wow, how can we even go there. I'm an emotional disaster. Miserable. Pissed. Jealous. Unstable. Most people have sex, pee on a stick, and have a healthy, happy baby to love and raise. But, not me. And now, I will never get to be that naive.

I love you, my daughter….that I know I grew and created to be so perfect.