If only

Wednesday, the day we met hell on earth. Wednesday, the day you went straight to God's arms. If I never had to see another Wednesday, I would be ok with that… if only I had that choice.

Your Ring

Your ring arrived today. The custom designed Stella St. Clair ring, that I will wear everyday in your memory and your honor. I don't get my baby girl, so I get a ring instead. Sounds pitiful and sad. It is. But, it is also beautiful and perfect, just like you. We cried when I got it, we do that a lot. But it just means so much to us since we designed it to specifically memorialize you. Our world. I have your daddy to thank for this special tribute to you. He insisted : )

It's a precious topaz, your birthstone. November. There are 6 baguette diamonds for your birthday, the 6th. And my favorite part… 38 little round diamonds to represent the 38 blissful weeks you were alive, here on earth with us. Safe and sound in my belly. It's hard to believe that just 18 weeks ago you were still alive in my belly. I would give anything in this world to feel those moments with you again. 

Instead, you'll be with me all day, everyday, on my hand and in my heart. Forever. 

Life 1 year ago

March 10, 2013-- The day I learned I was pregnant with you, Stella St. Clair. I don't even know how to explain that day, those feelings… Excited. Nervous. Thrilled. Naive. We had all we ever dreamed of, and more. Yet, here we are exactly one year later, and you are not here. We are not excited, nervous, thrilled, or naive. We are sad, anxious, angry, and devastated. What a difference a year makes. 

Fast forward to March 10, 2014-- Instead of learning I'm pregnant with the daughter of my dreams, I get that remember that not only am I not a mom to a 4 month old baby girl, like I should be, but I'm not pregnant with my rainbow baby either. So much for all the "rainbow" signs, songs, hopes, and dreams in the month of February.  They were clearly all a figment of my messed up human imagination. A wish not to be granted. An prayer not to be answered. All for naught. Now we are up against at least one more month without a baby in our arms. One more month, that feels like an eternity, desiring something we should already have right in front of us. Everyday without you or one of your siblings in my arms, feels like a thousand years. No one should ever have to feel these empty arms, that literally ache to hold and rock a baby. I have no doubt, days like today are going to make this indescribable journey we are on even longer, even rougher, even more challenging. Not that I believe we need more of a challenge in our lives, but I suppose what doesn't kill you does make you stronger, or so they say. Another "saying" that we are unfortunately going to be forced to put to the test. 

Have a good evening celebrating your buddy's 5 months in Heaven. We are envious of you both. We believe one day you both will grant us the peace, joy, and happiness we all deserve. Our hearts ache for you with a pain no human should have to endure. 

Miss you beyond words

Your grandparents left today. Grandpa Bill and Grandma Julie. They were here the last 3 weeks. They originally planned to be here that long to spend time with you. I miss them already. Your grandma was going to watch you while I was at work. It was difficult for all of us to feel the obvious, empty void that was missing from their visit. You. But at the same time it was so wonderful to spend time with them. We talked about you almost non-stop. Sometimes it was through tears. Sometimes it was through pain. Misery. Disbelief. But, most of the time it was through joy. The unbelievable joy and fun we all had preparing for you. We were all so innocent and naive when I was pregnant with you. Everything was just blissful and happy. Thank you for those times, baby Stella. They were some of the best times in all of our lives. 

We are all grieving for you. All day, everyday. We will never "accept" this loss. But we will come together as a family and move forward, not move on. But forward. We have to, life keeps going. We have no choice and we all know you wouldn't want us to stay where we are, suffering. Our family is loving and strong. We always have each other. We have faith in God and you. We will somehow survive.

I love you, Stella St. Clair. 

Your grandma

Today I want to take a moment to thank your grandma. Grandma Julie. Unfortunately, we don't know what you might have actually called her. Nana? Granny? Gabby? We'll never know. Or at least not until we get to join you in Heaven. However, she is amazing. I know you already know this, but she's really something special. She's my mom and my best friend. Kind of what I hoped you and I would be some day. She loved you before she even knew you were on your way. And the second she learned you were a baby girl, she started spoiling you with clothes, shoes, you name it. You are named after her great great grandma, Stella St. Clair. She helped me prepare your nursery, wash all of your adorable baby clothes, she even bought you your very first tutu. You would have been so spoiled. She wasn't your mother, she didn't lose her first daughter, but she gets me. She gets this heartbreaking experience as much as she can. She grieves for the loss of her first granddaughter, but she also grieves for me. Because she has to watch her daughter in so much anguish and pain. Something I don't envy, because I will never have to watch you be in pain. Thank you God for that.

Your grandma misses you so much. Her heart aches… For you, for me, for your daddy. I know she's still your grandma, but she wishes you were here on earth rock, hold, and love. You were so special, so wanted, so loved… And you always will be.

Please shine your light on your Grandma Julie today. Give her peace and comfort, that she so deserves.

Your family on earth misses you so.

A picture of your grandma and me at your 3rd baby shower! 32 weeks pregnant. 

4 months

Here we are. Another whole month down the road. Down the road of us learning to live without you, baby girl. You have been gone 4 months. How could that possibly be? We've been miserably unhappy for 4 months, while you have been blissfully happy. How could that possibly be? Feels like yesterday, and feels like a lifetime ago….wait, it was a lifetime ago. Yours.

Yesterday I had an open house to celebrate moving into my new office. Celebrate? What's that? It was supposed to be "Come See My New Office and Meet My Baby!" But there was no baby. Just a big, ugly elephant in the room that no one knew whether or not to talk about. We talked about you, don't worry. We talked about you, amidst pretending life was good and we were excited about my new office. It was 3 challenging hours, but you were there with us. In spirit. I know, because we never could have survived without your strength guiding us through.

I also curled my hair and wore makeup yesterday, for the first time since November 6th. Sounds silly, right? But I just hadn't been about to make myself care about my appearance before. 17 Wednesdays later, and something told me it would be ok. Must have been you. Life is definitely different and more difficult than I could have ever possibly imagined.

I'm so sad and so sorry you aren't here for me to take your picture with your 4 month sticker on your onesie. I bet Nathan or Jesus helped you put it on today though and I bet you looked precious. I bet. I'm so sorry we have to live apart for so long. I love you, my bright little star. When I get to see you again, I'll never let you go.

Life was good

Miserable. There's no other way to explain it. You should be here. You should be 17 weeks old. I should have insisted on going to the hospital 17 easy Tuesdays ago. When life was good and simple.

Been using my positive thinking lately, and choosing to hope and believe that I might be pregnant with your sibling, my rainbow baby. But, let's be honest…I cannot hope, think, or wish myself pregnant. Having faith in better days to come, cannot make me pregnant. So, that being said, I'm going to obviously assume I'm not lucky enough to be pregnant. Forget it. Life is no longer that good or simple. It is for most you, but it isn't for me. Never will be.

By now, most people assume we have moved on. Because, they most certainly have. Life does go on. And to most, it's been a long time, we should be over this small loss. We just lost a baby, happens all the time. We're young, we can have another. No big deal. NOT A CHANCE.  OUR DAUGHTER DIED. The pain never subsides, no matter how much other people around us wish it would. And some days, in the last 17 weeks, we are worse than we were the day we learned of the horrific news. The news that we would never see our daughter open her eyes, never hear our daughter cry, never rock our daughter to sleep…Why? Because she was already sleeping, in peace. More peacefully than any of us here on earth will ever know.

No one ever said life would be easy, but they did promise it would be worth it. I'll have to get back to you on that one…because, at this point, I seriously doubt it.

Life is just difficult and it will forever be.

Help provide us the strength to keep going, baby Stella. Help us.