On this day one year ago, our lives changed
forever, once again. On April 5, 2014 we learned we were pregnant, once again.
We would either be blessed with the opportunity to bring a baby home this time
or we would have another baby die. We knew we had nine long months ahead of us
and we didn't know how or if we would survive. The overwhelming joy, shadowed
with the ever present doubt filled our days and kept us awake many sleepless
nights. We were being given a second chance, a second chance to be parents to a
living baby, God willing. And so we hoped, and we wished, and we prayed. And of
course, we couldn't help, but dare to dream.
And here we are, 365 days later, Easter Sunday
2015, with the most beautiful rainbow baby in the world, alive and well in our
arms. One little faint pink line turned into precious Iris St. Clair. A little
girl adored with every ounce of love we have in our hearts. A little girl so
hoped for, wished for, prayed for... That maybe wouldn't be here if we hadn't
been forced to send you to Heaven baby Stella. How could that be? This time
last year, the pain was so fresh, so raw. But with the news of being pregnant
again, a tiny, yet enormous ray of hope had just been reignited in our hearts.
Today was a special day for many reasons. Iris
was blessed in the church I was baptized in when I was 8 years old by my Papa,
her Papa-Papa. Then we took her to visit her big sissy's grave. Bittersweet was
an understatement. Taking your second daughter to meet your first daughter, at
a cemetery. Something about that will never be right. Though we know they've
met before, because we know Stella sent Iris down the rainbow to us, straight
from Heaven. We haven't been back to Kansas since Stella's funeral, so we
haven't been able to visit her grave since the weekend we buried her. Crazy to
think I actually looked forward to bringing our first baby home to Kansas to
visit Stella's grave, but I did. Because I certainly didn't want to come back
without a baby.
It's hard to believe tomorrow Iris will be 5
months old and Stella would have been 17 months old. Our baby girls have
changed our lives, many times over. Through good memories and sad, they
make us who we are. We wouldn't change our journey for anything in this
world. We feel blessed and thankful to be their mom and dad.
Happy Easter from Stella and Iris.
Hi Rebecca,
ReplyDeleteMy name is Ashleigh Singh. I too lost my baby girl at 38 weeks and 3 days. A few short weeks after our precious baby's death, LeAnn Fisher told me about your blog. I read all of your posts. I don't know you, yet I feel connected to you-we are both in a group that no mother or father wants to be a part of. Thank you for writing. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. Until I could find a support group, I felt completely alone. I felt that I was the only one going through this terrible loss. I felt that what happened to me and to my husband was somehow "taboo". How does a perfectly healthy baby just die so close to birth? Reading your posts helped me cope in those first few weeks, I didn't feel so alone. Someone out there knew what I was going through and could understand. Your writing helped me during the darkest days of my life. Thank you for helping other baby loss moms not feel so alone.