A few delayed posts : )

Saturday: 04-12-14

On April 5th, the day before we should have been celebrating your 5 months here on earth, we learned we are pregnant again, with your baby sibling. Lord help me, if these isn't our rainbow baby. We are obviously cautiously excited and beyond terrified. We pray that with your guidance, baby Stella, we will have the strength, peace, and courage to survive whatever is headed our way in the coming days, weeks, and hopefully months.

In the one short week I've been pregnant so far, my emotions have been all over the place. Thrilled. Terrified. Excited. Nervous. Peaceful. Anxious. Part of me believes we are due for some good luck, and this time it's going to work out. We are going to get our take home baby, because we deserve it. The other part doesn't believe anything will work out, that something terrible is going to happen. Because I know terrible things happen. They've happened to us. People lose babies. Babies die. Whether it's early in the pregnancy or at full term, like you sweet baby girl. I've also had to fight back the feeling that I'm betraying you baby Stella by moving forward with our family and attempting to be excited for another baby. I have to try to believe that cannot be possible. We would never betray you. You know what you mean to us. Everything. And I believe you helped us create this new baby. You want us to find joy again through creating, loving, and raising your siblings. I know this in my heart. So, hopefully I can shake the feeling of betraying you when I feel glad about this new adventure. This new adventure, that feels like deja vu. Feels like yesterday we were just cautiously excited to be pregnant with you. I just stopped drinking wine and eating sushi for you. I was drinking orange juice with vitamin D for you. I was tired and felt icky for you. But no, this is different. This is new. And this time, we have you, our angel baby, guiding us through.

In my mind, I know I might not get to keep this baby for very long. But in my heart, I'm going to try to enjoy everyday that I do have growing this baby. I'm going to try to live each day knowing "today I am pregnant." I don't know what tomorrow brings, but I can't control it anyway. "Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength."

Regardless of my ever changing emotions, it's going to be a damn long 9 months, if we even get 9 months. God willing.

Waiting for our RAINBOW, guided by our STAR. We love you baby girl. Always and forever.

Wednesday: 04-16-14

Happy. Hopeful. Like I have a purpose. Feelings I wasn't sure even existed anymore. But, somehow, someway…there is a part of me that feels happy. I don't even know how to react to this feeling. And it actually makes me scared. How sad that I am literally afraid to feel happy. Of course, I know why I am afraid. Because I know, with memories so fresh, just how fast happiness can turn into utter despair and pure, heart wrenching agony.  I know that in an instant, joy can be ripped from your life, leaving you empty, lonely, and without purpose.

And another unfortunate side effect of this new found happiness is missing you, baby Stella, even more. Because I know my new found peace is because your sibling is finally on it's way. And while I'm anxiously excited for this baby to arrive alive, I miss you, baby girl. It's going to be a long, hard road. Because, God willing, this baby does arrive alive. And then, then I will have a flood of emotions comparing him or her to you. Comparing all the things I'll never know about you. That's not fair to you. And that's not fair to your sibling.  I can't help but secretly wish this baby was you. I know that doesn't make any sense and I know I can never have you back. And you can obviously never be replaced. And once again, that's not fair to this baby. Because, trust me, I want this baby just as badly as I wanted you. And you are definitely separate, different, perfect babies. Our babies. I already can't help but comparing this pregnancy to yours. I just hope I get at least as much time with this baby as I got with you. I hope for even more time, obviously. But I know being "happy" about this baby doesn't guarantee I'll get any more time with it than whatever God decides. So we'll just keep going, one day a time. One hour at a time. Whatever it takes. We'll just keep praying, having faith, and simply believing.

Your daddy and I love you, baby girl. And your sibling too.

Friday: 04-25-14

Well, thank you God and thank you baby Stella. There is a baby and there is a heartbeat. 116 beats per minute, at 6 weeks and 4 days. I can't even explain the feeling of seeing that little heart fluttering on the screen. It was beyond bittersweet, something we will never again take for granted. It is hard to believe the last time we had an ultrasound, it was November 6th, when we learned your precious little heart was no longer beating. To say the anticipation for this appointment today was anxiety filled, would be an understatement. There were moments when I thought I might reach a full blown panic attack. But you were there. You were with us all day, and especially during that ultrasound. Your baby siblings heartbeat was 116. What else is 1-1-6? Your birthdate, baby Stella. 11-6. Thank you. Thank you for helping your baby siblings heart beat, and showing us you were there with us every step of the way. 

And now, between the ever-present grief, anxiety, and new found peace, I'm exhausted. I feel like drinking a huge glass of wine, but I'll obviously refrain. And the next time I drink a huge glass of wine, I had better be holding this baby in my arms while doing so. 

While it truly feels great to reach this amazing milestone, I know we are not in the clear. Unfortunately, I know we will never be in the clear, until your sibling is crying in my arms. We feel blessed to have achieved the unachievable, to be carrying precious cargo, once again. But our pregnancy innocence is gone. We also know the real blessing will come once this baby arrives alive. God willing.

One day at a time. We will walk this journey, with God and Stella by our side, one day at a time.