Pregnancy after loss

I knew being pregnant again after losing Stella wasn't going to be easy. I knew it was going to be a mental and emotional challenge. But, I can't say I was prepared for just how difficult it truly is. Not that anything could have prepared us. We want a family. We need a baby. Bad enough to put ourselves through another 40 long weeks, waiting for a baby, with no guarantees.

We've recently learned of several family friends that are also pregnant. Some of them are even due on the exact same day, December 15th. My first reaction, is wow that's neat and kinda crazy. My second thought, is that I seriously doubt any of those mothers are praying specifically for their baby to arrive alive. I doubt any of those mothers believe that their baby's heart could just stop beating any minute, for no known reason at all. I doubt any of those mothers wake up in a panic, wondering if their baby is still alive. We'll all be 14 weeks on Monday, once again "in the clear" in all their minds. Not mine. Not in my mind. I'm left here, a panicked nutcase. And lastly, I doubt any of those mothers already have a dead daughter. Yes, losing Stella has made me certifiably crazy.

It's amazing how fast my feelings go from excitement to dread and back again. Many times an hour. After a good doctors appointment, I'm usually good for about a week. Feeling positive and peaceful. Like this might actually be my rainbow baby. That December 1st, 2014 might truly be the best the day of my life. That this Christmas will be a much brighter, beautiful celebration of life. And then… then the fear creeps back in with a vengeance. The fear that this baby's heart is going to stop beating too. Anytime, for no reason. Maybe it already stopped beating, and I just don't know it yet. That it's all just too good to be true. Last time Mark asked when our next doctors appointment was, I answered, "not until July 1st, the baby will surely be dead by then." He laughed, we laughed, until we almost cried. This is our life. This is what it looks like, what it feels like. It's not pretty. But this is our reality. This is pregnancy after loss, late loss. Stillbirth. 

And so we pray. A lot. We pray every morning and every night. And even sometimes in the middle of the day. We pray for peace. We pray for strength. We pray for hope, and for better days to come. And most specifically for this baby to arrive alive. Because, you will literally find me locked away in a mental institution if this isn't my rainbow baby.

Thank you baby Stella for all you've done so far, keep up the good work, my beautiful baby girl.