Grief

It hits you. It's always there, a painful underlying ache. But then it's hits you like a ton of bricks, like someone has punched you in the gut, is drowning you in the ocean, or is choking you with their bare hands. You are suffocating. Grief. It's your keeper, your lifelong keeper. How, why, when does this pain lessen? Some days are better than others. Most weeks are better than the one before, but the pain never goes away. You simply cannot escape being reminded of who you were before. I was happy, of this I know. I loved being a wife and was beyond excited to be a mother. Now life is just full of depression and anxiety. It's difficult. Difficult to wake up, difficult to go to sleep, difficult to just make decisions and exist.

The day was doomed from the start. We went hiking. We never see babies on the hiking trail. But today, we had to pass a very happy couple, carrying twin babies, a girl and a boy. Shouldn't everyone be so lucky. Then mom and I went shopping and we saw the lady that helped us pick out my pink dress to wear to Stella's baby shower. She remembered us, and immediately started in with, "How do I know you? You were here before and something really exciting was going on in your life? Were you getting engaged, married?" She wasn't going to give up so, mom said, "No, it was her baby shower." The lady started to get all excited and I quickly said, "No, the baby died." She was obviously sorry she asked. Then none of the clothes fit right, because I still haven't lost my "baby weight." Though unlike most mothers, I've already lost my baby. In this situation, wouldn't it be fair if the weight just went with the baby. One of those things that just wouldn't matter if precious baby Stella was here, but is just a constant heartbreaking reminder that she isn't.

We hardly knew you, but we so miss you baby girl.