I've been praying a lot lately. Sometimes it's as simple as being given enough peace to turn off my mind long enough to be able to fall asleep at night. Sometimes it's for another baby. Sometimes it's for enough comfort and hope to just keep believing and living, one day at a time. What gets me though, is that I prayed all the time before this tragedy that is my life. I prayed for baby Stella all the time. I prayed she would be happy, healthy, and safe. But most of all I prayed for her safe arrival. How did that turn out for me? Not well. So how am I to keep praying and believing? I guess I have no choice... But to maybe choose my words more carefully next time, and specifically ask for a LIVING baby to love here on EARTH, before Jesus takes her to love in Heaven.
We watched our wedding video tonight. Literally the best day of my life. I was waiting for Stella's birthday to out do it. I'm still waiting… Damn, we were happy. Such an unbelievably perfect time in our lives. Most people never have to learn what it means when they say "for better or worse, in good times and in bad." But here we are, for worse and in bad times. Thank God we didn't know what our future held. If we had only known what horribly trying times were ahead. But I do have to say, I am beyond thankful for your daddy, Stella. I could have never dreamed of a better husband to go through these trying times with. I wouldn't be here without him. You would have loved him. You would have had him wrapped around your little finger so fast. You would have wanted for nothing. You are his first and only princess.
I'm certain I will find happiness again, but I'm also certain I will never be that same kind of naive happy again. That simple, peaceful place in my heart is gone. Stella, baby girl, you changed our lives forever.
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