I can't wait

Miss you baby girl. Can't wait to be a mother to your living baby sibling.

Father's Day

Another "happy holiday" for most. Your daddy misses you baby girl, but he is proud of you. He is so proud of you and all the wonderful work you are doing in Heaven, simply because you can't be here on earth with us. Even though this isn't the Father's Day we pictured, he's still your daddy and he couldn't be happier to call you his first baby girl.

Pregnancy after loss

I knew being pregnant again after losing Stella wasn't going to be easy. I knew it was going to be a mental and emotional challenge. But, I can't say I was prepared for just how difficult it truly is. Not that anything could have prepared us. We want a family. We need a baby. Bad enough to put ourselves through another 40 long weeks, waiting for a baby, with no guarantees.

We've recently learned of several family friends that are also pregnant. Some of them are even due on the exact same day, December 15th. My first reaction, is wow that's neat and kinda crazy. My second thought, is that I seriously doubt any of those mothers are praying specifically for their baby to arrive alive. I doubt any of those mothers believe that their baby's heart could just stop beating any minute, for no known reason at all. I doubt any of those mothers wake up in a panic, wondering if their baby is still alive. We'll all be 14 weeks on Monday, once again "in the clear" in all their minds. Not mine. Not in my mind. I'm left here, a panicked nutcase. And lastly, I doubt any of those mothers already have a dead daughter. Yes, losing Stella has made me certifiably crazy.

It's amazing how fast my feelings go from excitement to dread and back again. Many times an hour. After a good doctors appointment, I'm usually good for about a week. Feeling positive and peaceful. Like this might actually be my rainbow baby. That December 1st, 2014 might truly be the best the day of my life. That this Christmas will be a much brighter, beautiful celebration of life. And then… then the fear creeps back in with a vengeance. The fear that this baby's heart is going to stop beating too. Anytime, for no reason. Maybe it already stopped beating, and I just don't know it yet. That it's all just too good to be true. Last time Mark asked when our next doctors appointment was, I answered, "not until July 1st, the baby will surely be dead by then." He laughed, we laughed, until we almost cried. This is our life. This is what it looks like, what it feels like. It's not pretty. But this is our reality. This is pregnancy after loss, late loss. Stillbirth. 

And so we pray. A lot. We pray every morning and every night. And even sometimes in the middle of the day. We pray for peace. We pray for strength. We pray for hope, and for better days to come. And most specifically for this baby to arrive alive. Because, you will literally find me locked away in a mental institution if this isn't my rainbow baby.

Thank you baby Stella for all you've done so far, keep up the good work, my beautiful baby girl.

7 months

It's hard to believe you should be 7 months old. And instead I'm 3 months pregnant. How fun and crazy would life be if you were here, 7 months old, AND I was 3 months pregnant. Now that would have been special.

I do hope you have enjoyed your 7 months in Heaven, baby girl. You sure have been busy up there by helping us down here. You have graced us with as much strength as you can, the strength to get up and live each day, while learning to live without you, and loving each other more than we thought possible. You have given us the ability to know how precious this life is, and that since tomorrow isn't guaranteed, to live for today. You have given us the guidance to keep believing, believing in God and better days to come. And best of all, you have blessed us with your baby sibling on the way. Thank you, baby Stella. Thank you for all your hard work these past 7 months in answering our many endless prayers.

As we continue to pray to you, we pray you give us the strength, courage, and peace to handle and embrace whatever is headed our way in the coming weeks, and hopefully months. We love you baby Stella St. Clair and we miss you just as much today as we did the day we lost you.

Waiting for our RAINBOW, guided by our STAR

Well, the title says it all. We are anxiously, excitedly, cautiously waiting for our rainbow baby. Our take home baby. The one that makes it into this world alive. To live here on earth with us. Your sibling, baby Stella. The baby that your daddy says, "better arrive alive, live a long life, and bury us someday."

As I type this, we are 12 weeks and 1 day pregnant. We saw the baby's precious heart beat for the third time this morning. While it feels unreal we are this far along on this new journey, it feels like we still have a lifetime left. Hopefully 26 weeks left, to be exact. As the plan will be to deliver this baby by repeat c-section no later than 38 weeks (God willing, we make it that far). Mostly because, we will have reached full term by then and in our unfortunate experience, babies hearts' randomly stop beating at 38 weeks and 3 days, for no apparent reason. And we just cannot go there again. 

For "normal, lucky" people 12 weeks would be pretty much considered "in the clear." Unfortunately, we are not "normal or lucky," and we are certainly not "in the clear." We will not be in the clear until this baby is alive in our arms, kicking and screaming. Then of course, all the mothers out there would say, then there will be a whole new set of worries and concerns that never ends. Well, that's just great…bring on those NORMAL mother worries. Not the LOSS mother worries, like that this baby might die inside of me too. 

The post below this one contains a few of my writings from April, when we first found out. Most of the thoughts, feelings, and pleading prayers still apply. 

Stella's sibling today: 12 weeks, 1 day

Stella St. Clair, May 2013: 12 weeks, 2 days

Love both of you babies, more than anything in this world. Guide us baby Stella, guide us to your sibling's birth. 

A few delayed posts : )

Saturday: 04-12-14

On April 5th, the day before we should have been celebrating your 5 months here on earth, we learned we are pregnant again, with your baby sibling. Lord help me, if these isn't our rainbow baby. We are obviously cautiously excited and beyond terrified. We pray that with your guidance, baby Stella, we will have the strength, peace, and courage to survive whatever is headed our way in the coming days, weeks, and hopefully months.

In the one short week I've been pregnant so far, my emotions have been all over the place. Thrilled. Terrified. Excited. Nervous. Peaceful. Anxious. Part of me believes we are due for some good luck, and this time it's going to work out. We are going to get our take home baby, because we deserve it. The other part doesn't believe anything will work out, that something terrible is going to happen. Because I know terrible things happen. They've happened to us. People lose babies. Babies die. Whether it's early in the pregnancy or at full term, like you sweet baby girl. I've also had to fight back the feeling that I'm betraying you baby Stella by moving forward with our family and attempting to be excited for another baby. I have to try to believe that cannot be possible. We would never betray you. You know what you mean to us. Everything. And I believe you helped us create this new baby. You want us to find joy again through creating, loving, and raising your siblings. I know this in my heart. So, hopefully I can shake the feeling of betraying you when I feel glad about this new adventure. This new adventure, that feels like deja vu. Feels like yesterday we were just cautiously excited to be pregnant with you. I just stopped drinking wine and eating sushi for you. I was drinking orange juice with vitamin D for you. I was tired and felt icky for you. But no, this is different. This is new. And this time, we have you, our angel baby, guiding us through.

In my mind, I know I might not get to keep this baby for very long. But in my heart, I'm going to try to enjoy everyday that I do have growing this baby. I'm going to try to live each day knowing "today I am pregnant." I don't know what tomorrow brings, but I can't control it anyway. "Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength."

Regardless of my ever changing emotions, it's going to be a damn long 9 months, if we even get 9 months. God willing.

Waiting for our RAINBOW, guided by our STAR. We love you baby girl. Always and forever.

Wednesday: 04-16-14

Happy. Hopeful. Like I have a purpose. Feelings I wasn't sure even existed anymore. But, somehow, someway…there is a part of me that feels happy. I don't even know how to react to this feeling. And it actually makes me scared. How sad that I am literally afraid to feel happy. Of course, I know why I am afraid. Because I know, with memories so fresh, just how fast happiness can turn into utter despair and pure, heart wrenching agony.  I know that in an instant, joy can be ripped from your life, leaving you empty, lonely, and without purpose.

And another unfortunate side effect of this new found happiness is missing you, baby Stella, even more. Because I know my new found peace is because your sibling is finally on it's way. And while I'm anxiously excited for this baby to arrive alive, I miss you, baby girl. It's going to be a long, hard road. Because, God willing, this baby does arrive alive. And then, then I will have a flood of emotions comparing him or her to you. Comparing all the things I'll never know about you. That's not fair to you. And that's not fair to your sibling.  I can't help but secretly wish this baby was you. I know that doesn't make any sense and I know I can never have you back. And you can obviously never be replaced. And once again, that's not fair to this baby. Because, trust me, I want this baby just as badly as I wanted you. And you are definitely separate, different, perfect babies. Our babies. I already can't help but comparing this pregnancy to yours. I just hope I get at least as much time with this baby as I got with you. I hope for even more time, obviously. But I know being "happy" about this baby doesn't guarantee I'll get any more time with it than whatever God decides. So we'll just keep going, one day a time. One hour at a time. Whatever it takes. We'll just keep praying, having faith, and simply believing.

Your daddy and I love you, baby girl. And your sibling too.

Friday: 04-25-14

Well, thank you God and thank you baby Stella. There is a baby and there is a heartbeat. 116 beats per minute, at 6 weeks and 4 days. I can't even explain the feeling of seeing that little heart fluttering on the screen. It was beyond bittersweet, something we will never again take for granted. It is hard to believe the last time we had an ultrasound, it was November 6th, when we learned your precious little heart was no longer beating. To say the anticipation for this appointment today was anxiety filled, would be an understatement. There were moments when I thought I might reach a full blown panic attack. But you were there. You were with us all day, and especially during that ultrasound. Your baby siblings heartbeat was 116. What else is 1-1-6? Your birthdate, baby Stella. 11-6. Thank you. Thank you for helping your baby siblings heart beat, and showing us you were there with us every step of the way. 

And now, between the ever-present grief, anxiety, and new found peace, I'm exhausted. I feel like drinking a huge glass of wine, but I'll obviously refrain. And the next time I drink a huge glass of wine, I had better be holding this baby in my arms while doing so. 

While it truly feels great to reach this amazing milestone, I know we are not in the clear. Unfortunately, I know we will never be in the clear, until your sibling is crying in my arms. We feel blessed to have achieved the unachievable, to be carrying precious cargo, once again. But our pregnancy innocence is gone. We also know the real blessing will come once this baby arrives alive. God willing.

One day at a time. We will walk this journey, with God and Stella by our side, one day at a time.