Hawaii, without you

I am supposed to be a mom. Mark is supposed to be a dad. Yet here we are, neither. We are in Hawaii this week. Sounds nice, right? What most people don't know is that we chose this trip as the first trip to bring baby Stella on. This was supposed to be her first trip to the beach. Yes, she would have been spoiled, and we could not wait to spoil her. We should be here as a mom and dad to a three month old baby girl. But no, we're just here. Just here trying to enjoy the beauty and wonder that is Hawaii. Who ever thought they would have to "try" to enjoy Hawaii. Well here we are, trying. We cannot turn off the thoughts of "how this should look, what our lives should look like, here..with our baby girl." She should be here in her cute little swimsuit and hat. Would she be a happy baby? Would she cry all the time? Would we need to be in the hotel room all day so she could nap? Would she have enjoyed her stroller? I don't know. I don't know what it is like to have a 3 month old baby girl, but I'm certain I should know. Instead, I'll just wonder.

There are people everywhere with children and babies, which is surprisingly getting more enjoyable to see. Babies are supposed to be born alive. People are supposed to have full families, without heartache. They cannot possibly know what they have or how lucky they are, but I know. I know how lucky they are. I can only dream of a family, and unfortunately my story will never be "full or without heartache," but will always have an emptiness and much heartache.

This is not what my life was supposed to look like. I wasn't supposed to be dreaming of being a mom to my baby girl, but I am. And in my dreams it's beautiful and happy. Stella is perfect and I love her more than I ever knew possible. I joke to Mark and our cat Pixie, they should feel lucky I love them so much and pay so much attention to them, because if my baby Stella was here, she would have given them a serious run for their money.

I love you my sweetheart, Stella St. Clair, and cannot wait to hold you again.

Grief

It hits you. It's always there, a painful underlying ache. But then it's hits you like a ton of bricks, like someone has punched you in the gut, is drowning you in the ocean, or is choking you with their bare hands. You are suffocating. Grief. It's your keeper, your lifelong keeper. How, why, when does this pain lessen? Some days are better than others. Most weeks are better than the one before, but the pain never goes away. You simply cannot escape being reminded of who you were before. I was happy, of this I know. I loved being a wife and was beyond excited to be a mother. Now life is just full of depression and anxiety. It's difficult. Difficult to wake up, difficult to go to sleep, difficult to just make decisions and exist.

The day was doomed from the start. We went hiking. We never see babies on the hiking trail. But today, we had to pass a very happy couple, carrying twin babies, a girl and a boy. Shouldn't everyone be so lucky. Then mom and I went shopping and we saw the lady that helped us pick out my pink dress to wear to Stella's baby shower. She remembered us, and immediately started in with, "How do I know you? You were here before and something really exciting was going on in your life? Were you getting engaged, married?" She wasn't going to give up so, mom said, "No, it was her baby shower." The lady started to get all excited and I quickly said, "No, the baby died." She was obviously sorry she asked. Then none of the clothes fit right, because I still haven't lost my "baby weight." Though unlike most mothers, I've already lost my baby. In this situation, wouldn't it be fair if the weight just went with the baby. One of those things that just wouldn't matter if precious baby Stella was here, but is just a constant heartbreaking reminder that she isn't.

We hardly knew you, but we so miss you baby girl.

It's Wednesday again

11 weeks ago today Heaven gained the most beautiful baby angel. You're welcome God. We'll never understand why you needed OUR baby girl…other than she was obviously perfect. And we do sincerely hope you are enjoying her, since we can't.  Not a single minute of a single day in the last 11 weeks has gone by that our hearts have not ached for you baby Stella. Unfortunately, the days and weeks just keep passing and we are getting farther and farther from the day we met you, and the 3 short days we got to spend with you. Not enough time. There never could have been enough time. We could have held you forever. I play the events of Wednesday, November 6th in my head on repeat every single night, until my brain and heart can't handle it anymore, and I finally fall asleep. We'll miss you forever, baby girl.

For better or worse

Part of me will always wish I had died with you baby Stella. Why? Because I think it's unfair to ask a mother to live on this earth without her baby daughter. But that wasn't my choice and apparently not in Gods plans. 

I've been praying a lot lately. Sometimes it's as simple as being given enough peace to turn off my mind long enough to be able to fall asleep at night. Sometimes it's for another baby. Sometimes it's for enough comfort and hope to just keep believing and living, one day at a time. What gets me though, is that I prayed all the time before this tragedy that is my life. I prayed for baby Stella all the time. I prayed she would be happy, healthy, and safe. But most of all I prayed for her safe arrival. How did that turn out for me? Not well. So how am I to keep praying and believing? I guess I have no choice... But to maybe choose my words more carefully next time, and specifically ask for a LIVING baby to love here on EARTH, before Jesus takes her to love in Heaven. 

We watched our wedding video tonight. Literally the best day of my life. I was waiting for Stella's birthday to out do it. I'm still waiting… Damn, we were happy. Such an unbelievably perfect time in our lives. Most people never have to learn what it means when they say "for better or worse, in good times and in bad." But here we are, for worse and in bad times. Thank God we didn't know what our future held. If we had only known what horribly trying times were ahead. But I do have to say, I am beyond thankful for your daddy, Stella. I could have never dreamed of a better husband to go through these trying times with. I wouldn't be here without him. You would have loved him. You would have had him wrapped around your little finger so fast. You would have wanted for nothing. You are his first and only princess.

I'm certain I will find happiness again, but I'm also certain I will never be that same kind of naive happy again. That simple, peaceful place in my heart is gone. Stella, baby girl, you changed our lives forever. 

Story of my life- the last 10 weeks

11-17-2013

Today, November 17th, 2013 our precious baby Stella St. Clair Phelan was due to arrive in this world. Unfortunately, God had other plans. On November 6th our lives changed forever. At 38 weeks and 3 days, baby Stella's heart just stopped beating. She was delivered by c-section at 9:41pm already sleeping. Stella weighed 6 lbs, 11 oz, was 21 1/4 inches long. She was unbelievably beautiful and absolutely perfect…so perfect, God decided he needed her more than we did. The only ounce of peace we have at this time is knowing that our angel baby Stella will never have to feel the unbearable suffering, heartache, and pain of those of us left here on earth. 

11-26-2013 (written on 12-19-2013 about hearing Erica's news)

The day after Stella's graveside service back in Kansas, my best friend (I mean, the maid of honor at our wedding, for crying out loud) came to dinner with my family. Well when she didn't order a glass of wine with the rest of us, the news clearly came out she was 9 weeks pregnant. I mean the day after I bury MY baby, God give me a break. Of course I'd love to be happy for her, but that is simply impossible. It sent me off the deep end... As if that's even possible anymore either. I'm drowning and have been since we sat in the triage room at the hospital 6 weeks ago and watched our world turn upside down. Part of me thought, how horrible she must be so nervous knowing her baby can die right before it is supposed to be born... And I then I thought, hell there's no way she's nervous, as this will never happen to anyone else I know, just me. And she's probably only thinking, "thank God it happened to Rebecca, because there's no way it could happen to me too."

I can't help but wonder when everything will stop being so damn painful. Yet in the same breath, I think Stella would never want us to be so sad. She is up in Heaven perfect and beautiful, and she deserves for our memories of her to not be so heartbreaking for us. She loves us and is patiently waiting for us. 

12-17-2013

Yesterday, Dec. 16th was a particularly difficult day. After almost 6 weeks of waiting to see what might have gone wrong with our precious baby Stella, we finally got her autopsy and we learned nothing. She was absolutely perfect, as was visible to us the day we met her. So many feelings came along with this news. On one hand it's infuriating to think our precious, perfect baby died for no reason. How does a perfectly healthy baby just die? Why did her little heart just stop beating? If she had been delivered on Tuesday, Nov. 5th, Stella would be here with us today…which is heartbreaking to imagine. The second wave of feelings comes with being glad (if that is even a feeling anymore) there is absolutely nothing wrong with Mark or me or Stella. Which should mean we should be able to produce another perfect baby without having to go through any tests, worries, etc. There will obviously be enough worries with a subsequent pregnancy, we at least won't have to worry that the next baby will develop the same problems that killed Stella, because nothing killed Stella. We don't know if having an answer would have made us feel better or not, but we don't have an answer and we never will. 

We also chose to go into Stella's room for the first time yesterday. It is so beautiful and peaceful, it took our breaths away and almost made me sick at the same time. The nursery is as perfect as Stella was, and so ready for our little baby to come home. She would have wanted for nothing. So far, we have decided to try to leave the door open, hoping it provides a little peace or comfort as we walk by or chose to go in and enjoy the space we created so perfectly for Stella.  When will this nightmare ever end? Everything reminds us of something. Today, was one month from her original due date, Nov. 17th. I'm so pissed that life has to be so damn difficult now. Nothing is what it is supposed to be. We constantly struggle with how we are parents to a dead baby. How could this be. We wanted baby Stella so bad, we will miss her forever, and we will be sad forever. 

12-19-2013

The closer it gets to Christmas, the sadder I feel. I hate all the Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays…nothing is merry or happy. Everything is sad, depressing, and upside down. I'm afraid I'll hate the holidays forever. Nothing is as it should be. This was supposed to be baby Stella's first Christmas. She would have been so spoiled with presents and gifts, but mostly with love. I just imagined sitting around with our families, while everyone took turns holding her, passing her around, and taking pictures of her. She was so beautiful. I just can't understand how this isn't something we get to do after being so excited for it. I have a hard time understanding so many things I will never get to do with Stella. I wanted to dress her up in all her cute outfits, with matching shoes, and hair bows. I wanted to give  her a bath, rock her to sleep, nurse her, and change all her dirty diapers. I was just so damn excited. And everything, absolutely everything has been ripped out from under us. How are we just supposed to go on? Everything we do, I can't help but think we shouldn't be doing this (out to dinner, out on a hike), and if we were supposed to be doing it, Stella should at least be here doing it with us. Will the unbearable heartache ever subside?

I also try to believe that Stella is obviously up in Heaven about to celebrate the ultimate Christmas with God. Shouldn't we all be so jealous. She is not sad or depressed and would never want her mommy and daddy or any of her family to be so sad. Angel baby Stella is doing her best to shine down on us and be our peace and comforter. We were told by Father Mike shortly after coming home from the hospital with out our precious baby, that Stella was Latin for "star." Every night since we arrived home from the hospital, Stella's star has been out in the sky. It is literally the biggest, brightest star in the sky and the first to show up every night around sunset. I believe Stella is trying to tell us she loves us, and she is happy and being well taken care of up in Heaven. I believe she will bless us with her siblings someday.  We love you so much Stella St. Clair. If loved could have saved you, you would have lived forever. 

Tonight, I'm calling the bullishit flag on life. No ones life should suck this bad or be this painful. I'm miserable missing my baby. And sure she's in Heaven, but I don't want Heaven to have her, I want her. I know she's a beautiful star in the sky, but I don't want my baby to be a star in the sky, I want her to be a baby in her crib or in my arms. I wanted her before I ever knew I was pregnant with her. I've wanted a baby of my very own for as long as I can possibly remember. I didn't carry around a baby doll until I was a teenager or babysit since I was old enough to do so, because I just liked other people's babies…no, I was dreaming of the day I could have one of my own. Yet, here are all these naive people having babies they don't deserve and totally take for granted. 

I was so naive while pregnant with Stella. I loved being pregnant. We took a picture of me the same day every single week in the same outfit to show my/Stella's progress growing. Everything was so easy and carefree. I felt well, happy, and healthy the entire time. Feeling Stella move and grow inside of me was one of the most unbelievable, unforgettable feelings in the world, and something I feel privileged to have experienced. My mom saved every text I ever sent her about Stella or being pregnant in general. Everyone in my family was so excited. I hate feeling I've let them all down. I only hope with time my memories of being pregnant with Stella are more enjoyable and less heartbreaking to remember. 

12-21-2013

Yesterday was Amelia's 18th birthday. This year we know she is up there taking care of and holding baby Stella. And while I do love knowing that we have guardian angels waiting for us in Heaven, it still makes me mad and terribly sad. I miss them beyond words. What is becoming increasingly difficult instead of easier to deal with is all the other people in the world that so easily have babies. Why can every other couple in the world just get pregnant and have living children. Why does our experience have to be so tainted and horrible with something that is supposed to be so wonderful and joyous. 

12-24-2013

Worst Christmas Eve in all my life. We should be preparing to have the most special Christmas of our lives, with our first born baby girl. Instead there is no music, no tree, no presents, no baby...just an empty aching heart. 7 Tuesdays ago, if I had known poor baby Stella wasn't doing well inside of me, she would be here now. How didn't I know? Why wasn't I able to save her? She would be dressed in a beautiful red and green Christmas outfit with a big bow on her precious dark curls. We would be getting ready to take her to midnight mass, where we would all be so thankful for the gift of precious Stella and the great joy in our lives. Instead, I get to sit here and imagine what this Christmas should have been like and what my baby girl would look like at 7 weeks old. And we sit here and wonder what in the world do we really have to be thankful for. Our lives have changed and will never be the same.

Thankfully, I do know Stella isn't so sad and her heart isn't breaking like ours. I believe she is getting ready to celebrate the ultimate Christmas with Jesus.  We have to try and believe that we did save her, we did the best we could. We created her and grew her to be so perfect, God just had to have her. We got her safely to Heaven, without her ever having to suffer any of the pain here on earth. She is beautiful, happy, perfectly at peace, and will never hurt for a moment. Can't wait until the day we see you again baby girl, enjoy Heaven while waiting for us. 

12-25-2013 

Well here we are. It cannot possibly be Christmas. 7 weeks ago today we said hello and goodbye to our angel. How could so much time have passed? How have we survived this long without you? It feels like yesterday and it feels like a lifetime ago. We are so thankful for the time we did get with you. I can still see your beautiful little face as your daddy brought you over to meet me. You looked just like your daddy, he did such a good job creating you. I remember your plump, sweet little red lips and your chubby cheeks…we wished you would have opened your blue eyes, if just for a moment. We know they were beautiful. If given the chance we would do it all over again, just to see you and kiss your face. 

It is Christmas, but this year it's not merry. We put up a star tree today in your honor precious baby girl. You will always be our star, shining bright. It is said that God has enough light to shine on us, that He can conquer any amount of darkness. We pray that you help show us that light, and that the darkness will one day begin to fade. 

Your life was a blessing, Your memory a treasure…

You are loved beyond words and missed beyond measure…

We love you Stella St. Clair and we will never forget you.

12-31-2013

The last day of 2013. It's kind of bittersweet. Part of me couldn't be happier to see this year put behind us. The other part remembers 2013 as the year we created and grew our precious baby Stella. It truly was a joyous year full of excitement and anticipation for our first born child. Unfortunately, it is ending empty and quiet, with our world turned upside down. We feel like we've lost a year of our lives. There is no way 2013 really happened. No way I was pregnant with Stella, because if it had happened the way I remember it, there would be a baby here now. But there is no baby, no joy, no happiness. I want to look forward to 2014, the year hopefully one of Stella's siblings is born. I want to believe there is happiness to come and that we won't have a baby die in 2014. But I would have never believed we would have a baby die in 2013, yet here we are, feeling lost and alone, without our princess. 

So, was 2013 a good year or bad? I think it was an unbelievable year, one that I will hold close to my heart and treasure for the rest of my life. It will always be the year of Stella St. Clair. It was the year we became parents to an angel. One day we hope to remember it with fondness and not so much heartache. I'm sorry you didn't make it here alive baby girl, but I know deep in my heart that you are in a much better place.  Although, I can only dream of the day I stop selfishly wishing you were here with me.

Guide us through 2014 Stella. Give us peace, strength, and maybe if we have any luck left at all, a sibling.  

1-6-2014

Here we are in a new year, hopefully with some peace and a few blessings on the horizon. Today, Stella should be 2 months old…not in Heaven, but here in my arms. I should be taking her picture in her onesie with her 2 month old sticker on it. Life should be so different, of that I am certain. 

We had to get blood work done today to try and continue figuring out what might have happened to our precious baby. We had to go to the original OB's office, and that place just gives me such anxiety and heartache. We had to walk in at the same time as some happy lady with her newborn. Why the hell can't I be going there with my newborn?! Oh yeah, because my baby died. I'm really struggling with that lately, I feel like I want to walk around with a sign on that says "my baby died!!!" It's like I want everyone to know, and I hate everyone and their stupid, simple problems that they think are just horrible. When it's my life that's actually horrible and they don't have a clue. Then the lady drawing my blood asks me if we had a nice Christmas and if I got anything special, because she noticed my necklace and really liked it. My necklace is in memory of Stella, real cool…I don't have my daughter, so I have a stupid necklace instead. I told her she must not know why we were there, our baby died 2 months ago today, our baby died. In my locket necklace is a "S" for Stella, her birthstone, a cross, and a dove for when I get to fly to see her again. Real cool.

I also hate that it seems like there are pregnant people everywhere, they are inescapable. And why does everyone else get to have their babies born alive? There have literally been 6 babies born since this happened to Stella, of people I'm friends with….give me a break?! Why didn't their babies die?! Why me, why Stella?! I'm so pissed at that right now, I can't seem to get past it. 

Later in the day, we did hike to the top of a mountain to look over the city of Phoenix and said a prayer for Stella…for peace, strength, and guidance on how to keep going and being hopeful for some ounce of joy to enter our lives again someday…hopefully in the form of Stella's little brother or sister later this year. 

I'm starting to realize I will never be the same person I was before, I'm not sure if that's a good thing or bad thing. But it's simply a fact of life. The person I was before this horrific experience, no longer exists. The person that was a pleasant, happy wife, full of humor, laughter, and life….she is gone forever. 

1-7-2014

9 Tuesdays ago was the last time we knew our angel was alive, it was the last time we saw and heard her sweet heart beat. If we had just gone to the hospital 9 Tuesday nights ago…she would be here now and our perfect life would have remained intact.  How am I supposed to live with that? How is that ever supposed to be ok? I literally feel like I'm losing my mind. Will I ever stop thinking of every Tuesday as how many weeks since we last knew she was alive? Every Wednesday as how many weeks since she was delivered, when we said hello and goodbye? Every 6th of every month for the rest of my life, as how many months old she should be, or how many months we've been suffering here on earth without her? Why is this our life? Why did God think we were strong enough for this and will He view us differently in Heaven because of the extreme pain we have had to endure here on earth? So many questions and I'll probably never have answers. 

Though I'm certain I want another baby as soon as possible, I'm afraid that won't even bring the joy and happiness back into our lives. It might bring some joy, but it cannot possibly bring us back to our original level of happiness. I'm afraid I would look at another baby and always try to see Stella's face. Wonder if her smile would have been similar, her facial expressions, her cry, her laugh. Things about Stella I can only imagine or dream of. The hole in our hearts for Stella can never be fulfilled. We are changed forever. I'm not sure how I feel about any of this, but it scares me. I don't want to be in this frightening, dark place forever, I want to be happy again, I just can't see it. So, for now we will just have to continue to ride this exhausting roller coaster of grief, searching and dreaming of joy again. 

Passage from Journeys: Stories of Pregnancy After Loss

The loss of a baby is probably the single most devastating event a couple/family can experience. No one is ever prepared to lose their baby and no one is prepared to deal with all the emotions that come with loss. The prenatal books prepare you for life, but they don't focus on loss and if they do, it's usually a tiny section at the back of the book. 

If you're pregnant for the first time it's utter bliss, there's a euphoria that comes over you as if you have achieved the unachievable, you are special because you are carrying precious cargo. It's a new life and you're responsible for bringing it into the world. This new little baby will have his or her own distinct personality. The baby's future will already be mentally mapped out. There will be the first of everything. The first smile, the first tooth, the first steps, the play dates, the first day of school, birthday parties and the list goes on and on. But once you experience the loss of your pregnancy, everything changes.

The world as you knew it no longer exists and nothing seems to make any sense. Family and friends don't know what to say to you. Some say nothing and pretend nothing happened and some feel compelled to "fix you" by saying something profound or trying to distract you from your pain. Unless they've been there, no words or actions can heal the pain a couple feels.

From the moments in labor and delivery when the ultimate cruelty is realized, the birth is a silent one. This was not in the plan and as days and weeks pass, the grief process is relentless. It's one wave after another of crashing emotions pounding on a weakened spirit. The cruelty of not having your baby does not stop there but is the constant reminder of who is missing in your family. Instead of going through all the firsts with a living baby you are now going through all the firsts of losing one. You have now entered the group that no one wants to belong to.

It has been my experience that when a couple experiences a loss of a baby the journey of grief can be a difficult one. Since men and women grieve very differently it's so important to keep the lines of communication open. This is not the time for one partner to protect the other, however, it's a time for each of them to sit in the midst of their pain and reach out to one another. Sitting with your pain allows you to move to another phase of grief. Those who are clever and nicely package their pain away… well, at some point down the road the package starts to unwrap, and when that happens it's much more difficult to control the emotions or reactions to them. Allow yourself the feeling and see where the journey takes you. If you stop the feelings, you also stop the journey. 

1-8-2014

Today I was reminded that there is no greater loss than that of a child. Awesome. Which leads me back to the stupid questions- Why US? Why OUR baby? Why have OUR lives changed forever? Why is it OUR world that is falling apart? I used to be happy. Our life used to be good. I will hate Wednesdays forever. I will always count how many Wednesdays it has been since our world came crashing down. 

God bless you baby Stella St. Clair. You have changed our lives forever…hopefully for the better, but for now it's too painful to see that far in the future. We will forever dream of the day we can see your face again. 

1-12-2014

Well it finally happened. For the first time, someone that didn't know the story of our horrific life, asked about Stella. Not about Stella specifically, because this person didn't even know who we were, that we were having a girl, or that her name was Stella. After church a complete stranger came up to me and said, "I see you had your baby, hope everything went ok." As the world around me starting spinning, then stopped abruptly, and I recovered from wanting to vomit…I'm not even certain what I said, but through tears and shaking my head, I managed something like, "No, no it did not go ok. We lost the baby, she died." Of course I'm sure he is sorry he asked and he did say that we would be in his prayers. Right, as if prayers could ever take away the pain. There are supposedly so many thoughts and "prayers" already headed our way…if they held any comfort at all, wouldn't we be in a better place by now. But no, instead I'm more certain than ever that life on earth is actually hell. No one should be forced to live on this earth. If Heaven is supposedly so great, why can't we choose when we are ready to go there? Some would say I can't be ready because I still need to have a baby to raise and enjoy. But I already have a baby, she just lives in Heaven. Lucky, precious little Stella. What is so wrong with wanting to go there to be with her? I assumed something like this would eventually happen, not everyone could know of our unfortunate, unfair life. Nothing like going to church to be reminded you are literally living in hell. 

Now we're at home watching the Iowa Hawkeye basketball game, good distraction right. Maybe, except if Stella were here she would be dressed in a cute Hawkeye onesie with a big black and yellow bow on her head. So no, nothing is a good distraction. Everything reminds us of something we should be doing with our beautiful baby girl. Something every other parent in the world takes for granted getting to do with their babies.

Sometimes I feel like I'm not doing Stella enough justice. I wish I could talk about her more, show her picture, and be proud of the life we created….the sweet life that just didn't make it into this world alive. I'm sad that no one got to know her but me, and her daddy. And even we didn't get to know her like we wanted. She deserves to be known. But how, how do we do that? It would have been ridiculous, but I wish I could have stopped and talked to the guy at church, told him Stella's story and honored her better. Instead, I just mumbled and walked away crying almost hysterically.  Someday life will hurt less, someday I will be able to talk about my first baby, my daughter. Someday.

1-14-2014

Here we are again. Tuesday. I've said it before and I'm afraid I'll say it for the rest of my life, if I had just gone to the hospital 10 Tuesdays ago, I would have a 10 week old daughter in my arms right now. I wish I didn't believe that to be true, but I do. It's that simple, I believe Stella would be here if she had been delivered Tuesday, November 5th. But we can't look back, we can only look forward. Sadly, I'm not sure I even want to know where "forward" takes us, the most unlucky people on the planet. Surely we are the bottom and can only go up from here. Surely.

We are having a ring made for me to wear to honor and remember our daughter. November's birthstone, topaz. It will have 38 tiny round diamonds to signify the 38 weeks she was alive with us, 6 baguettes because she was delivered November 6th. Unfortunately, there's not enough jewelry in the world to make this life worth living, yet here I am. I don't want a stupid ring, I want my baby girl. But no one asked me what I wanted in this life, no one. I know people want me to be better and they want to make things better. No one and nothing can make anything better, ever. But it is what it is, and now we will just suffer here on earth for the rest of our lives. We don't want to suffer. We weren't supposed to suffer, life was supposed to be good. Or was it? Maybe we were supposed to suffer. Maybe this will make us better people someday, somehow. Only time will tell who this makes us. I only know we will never be the same. Life will never be the same.

The only thing that keeps me going, when I literally feel like throwing in the towel, is knowing that my daughter will never have to feel any of this pain or suffering. None of it, ever. And that one day, one amazing day, we will be together again. So, I'll be here, impatiently waiting for that joyous day.