Always waiting...

... For the other shoe to drop. This baby might be the only one we get, if we're actually lucky enough to get it here alive. The anxiety that comes along with this pregnancy thing, after having your perfectly healthy baby die for no reason, is almost too much for me. Too much for your daddy. Just too damn much. Things can be going along just fine. No pain, no problems, no issues. Then it's time for another routine doctors appointment and the anxiety slowly starts setting in.

First, it's excitement that we get to go back to the doctor, check on the baby, see it, and make sure all is well. Then the night before the appointment, there isn't much sleep. Then the morning of, you can't get to the doctors office early enough, fast enough. And then the worst part, the waiting room. Hurry up and wait. Let the anxiety build. Then you're expecting an ultrasound and almost fly through the roof when they tell you they don't think you have one scheduled today. I'm sorry, what?! I'm not leaving here without SEEING my baby and it's heart beating. So, into the ultrasound room you go, and we thought the waiting room was bad...the ultrasound room is like a torture chamber. This is the dark, quiet room, where you are sure your world is going to come crashing down... again. But thankfully, you see baby, you see baby's heart beating away. And almost all is right with the world once again. Almost. Until the next thing to worry about pops up or just the next routine doctors appointment.

I wish with all my heart, that I could be a normal pregnant person. I wish we could be normal, excited parents-to-be. I wish our first baby girl wasn't dead. I wish we weren't always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I could spend the rest of my life wishing we were normal, but that simply cannot be. Our lives are not normal. Normal parents aren't always missing their first born baby. We will miss her until the day we die. Normal parents don't fear being pregnant and getting to bring life into this world. We will forever fear pregnancy, this one and any other one we are blessed with, until the end of time.

Although we're exhausted from the anxiety, and ever present grief, it was a great doctors appointment and baby is doing wonderful. In even better news, they let us schedule our c-section for 37 weeks exactly. Hey, the earlier we can safely get this rainbow baby in our arms, the better! Making Monday, November 24th the official birthdate. I don't have to say "is it December yet?!" But instead, is it November yet?! Baby can share a birthday month with big sister. You don't mind do you, baby Stella? 

And best of all, I lost another Monday. Only 16 left now!