Merry Christmas in Heaven

Hope you are enjoying your 2nd Christmas in Heaven sweet baby Stella. We miss you more than you'll ever know here on earth. But, thank you for making this Christmas drastically better than last. Thank you for letting us enjoy 7 week old baby Iris and her 1st Christmas today. Tell God thank you for giving his only Son so we can enjoy life here on earth, while knowing we're promised to get to spend eternity in Heaven with you.

Keep shining bright baby girl!

Grandma Julie, Grandpa Bill, Uncle Tyler & Aunt Taryne visited your grave today Miss Stella.

7 week old Iris dolled up for Christmas! 

Stella's ring and necklace…and our precious rainbow baby. Perfect Christmas.

You're still missing

Well, it's Christmas time again…and this year it's Iris's first Christmas. We get the joy of having our baby girl to celebrate this special time of year with. But, it's also the first Christmas we are choosing to celebrate since you've been gone baby Stella. You're still missing. And it still hurts.

Don't get me wrong, we are feeling beyond blessed and excited for this Christmas with baby Iris. We will cherish every moment and every memory we get to create this year. But, it's not just "all better." Our hearts are not just all healed. There is still a Stella sized hole in our hearts. Our first baby girl is still missing. And this time last year, we were in the depths of the ugliest days of our lives. How can those horrible memories not come rushing to the surface? Well they did. They did when we put up our Christmas tree this week. We didn't put our tree up last year, so this was another "first" without Stella. Seeing all the ornaments from all the happy, fun times in our lives. The innocence of another lifetime ago. It hit pretty hard, that while life is pretty damn good this year, Stella's still missing.

How do we balance the joy of Iris's first Christmas with the heartache we still feel missing Stella? Very carefully, I suppose. We don't want to be those creepy weird people that add Stella's picture to our Christmas card, or sign her name to it…or do we? Do we hang a stocking for her? Or do we just realize she's not here and never will be? It's a lot to figure out…what's wrong, what's right? How do we honor her and not act like we're moving on without her, but still keep our sanity? We are working to realize that baby Stella is still very much here, though not physically. She shows us her presence daily. She shines her bright star upon us. So, we put up her star tree and we took her sister's picture next to it. We'll seal our Christmas cards with a star sticker. We'll do the little things that mean something to us and tell baby Stella how much we love her, how much we miss her, and that we always will. Though Iris is truly healing our hearts, they will never be completely whole again. And that's ok, because that's our life and we still wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

The night after we put up our regular Christmas tree, after the pain and sadness really hit me again… we gave baby Iris a bath. And before her bath, we weighed her. She weighed 6 lbs, 11 oz. Exactly what you weighed when you were born, baby Stella. Daddy said he thought Iris's weight felt familiar ;) Thank you again baby girls, for giving us exactly what we need, exactly when we need it.

Baby Iris next to Stella's star tree

Baby Iris helping daddy put the *star* on our regular tree

Stella's 1st Birthday & Iris is BORN!!

By the grace of God, our rainbow baby, Iris St. Clair was born on November 6th, 2014 at 2:04 P.M. by repeat c-section. She was 34 weeks and 3 days. Iris weighed 4 lbs, 12 oz., and was 17.5 inches long.

Yes, Iris was born on her big sister's birthday. Exactly one year after we lost our sweet angel baby Stella and our lives came crashing down, our perfect rainbow baby was born and our lives almost feel put back together.

We were admitted to the hospital on Thursday, October 30th because of some blood work that came back elevated. It was serious enough, they were pondering delivering Iris that night, at 33 weeks and 3 days. The fear was overwhelming. We couldn't help but think we were going to lose this baby girl too. I received 2 sets of steroid shots over a 48 hour period to help mature baby girl's lungs in case it was time for her to make her appearance into this world. We anxiously and nervously hung out in the hospital for a week, getting blood tests and ultrasounds and hooked up to the heart rate monitor to watch over baby girl. Actually, anxious and nervous don't even begin to explain the real emotions of that long week. We listened to Iris's heartbeat 24 hours a day, for 7 days. Worrying and waiting. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for her precious heart to just stop beating for no reason. Waiting for our past to repeat itself, as a horrible outcome is all we knew. The new goal was to make it to 36 weeks, which would be November 17th. Stella's original due date. Wow, again.

On the afternoon of November 5th, Mark and I talked about how difficult and heartwrenching it was that we were going to be in the hospital on Stella's first birthday. Not only the hospital, the same hospital, on the same floor, just down the hall from where we delivered Stella. How would we feel? What would we do? To honor Stella? To celebrate Stella? To undoubtedly grieve for all that was still lost, one whole year later.

On the evening of November 5th, the doctors finally decided it was time. Iris was trying to find a way to get out into the world. So there it was, Iris would be born on November 6th. She would officially share a birthday with her angel sister Stella. We know this was not a coincidence. This was the work of a much higher power, no doubt God and baby Stella. Baby Stella did not want us to be sad on her birthday, she did not want us to feel empty and confused at how to honor her. She wanted her birthday to be a day of joy, peace, and true celebration. Stella wanted her first birthday, in Heaven, to be the best day of our lives.

So midday on November 6th, we walked into the exact same operating room where we delivered Stella. And my dream of laying on that operating table again, having them cut me open, and take out a living, crying baby…finally came true. Finally and perfectly. Our rainbow was here.

Iris went from being scheduled to arrive on November 25th- the day we buried Stella, to November 17th- Stella's original due date, to actually making her appearance….ON STELLA'S 1ST BIRTHDAY.  Try and tell me this wasn't baby Stella's doing…

And now it is the 6th of the month once again. And for the first time in a year, I am not meeting this day with dread, but with a blessed and happy heart. Thank you baby Stella. Today I get to finally take that long awaited picture of our daughter with her "1 month sticker" on her onesie. It's not Stella's one month birthday, but it is her little sisters, Iris.

IRIS- means "rainbow" in Greek. Iris was a Greek goddess that rode a rainbow delivering messages between Heaven and Earth. It also means "bringer of joy." We wholeheartedly agree.

Happy 13 Months in Heaven baby Stella, keeping shining bright little star. And Happy 1 Month on Earth baby Iris, our precious rainbow at the end of the darkest, most devastating storm.

One month left

One month left. Can I keep this baby alive for one more month? Doesn't seem like very long. Sounds easy enough. Or will my body fail me yet again? It did fail me once already, just 11 short days from your due date baby Stella. So, even though 31 days doesn't sound like much and we are in the home stretch…I can't help but have my doubts.

Sure, we are having more monitoring this time. We go to the doctor twice a week for non-stress tests (NST) where they monitor baby girl's heart rate and movements for about 30 minutes. She has been passing with flying colors so far. Keep it up baby girl! However, it's still hard to believe that this "extra monitoring" will really guarantee baby girls safe arrival, because after all, we were at the doctors THE DAY BEFORE last time. The day before Stella died, I was being "monitored" at the doctors, and what do you know... they were too dumb to see the signs and save her. So, in other words, NOTHING will make me feel safe or truly believe this is going to work out the way it should, the way it does for all the innocent pregnant people in the world….until baby girl is here ALIVE.

While I'm looking forward to the month of November, I'm also dreading it. I'm dreading that in 12 short  days our precious baby Stella will have been gone for a year. An entire year. How can that possibly be? What will we do to honor and celebrate you baby girl? Nothing seems even remotely good enough. We should be planning your first birthday party. Instead we are planning on how to survive such a heartbreaking day, while somehow honoring you and keeping your sweet memory alive. We do have your memorial golf tournament coming up November 22nd. Just 3 days before your baby sister's scheduled birthdate. Though horribly depressing, it should be a fun event, for a good cause.

31 more days. Can we survive? Can baby girl survive? Dear God and baby Stella, please give us the peace, strength, and courage to make it 31 more days.

11 months

11 months since we first said hello and goodbye to you baby Stella, our angel baby.

30 weeks pregnant with what better be our rainbow baby.

50 days left until our life changes all over again. For the better this time.

Keep shining bright for us, our little star. We will miss you and love you until the end of time.

Changing the nursery

It's been a rough week. We decided to redo your nursery, baby Stella, to get ready for your baby sister. Even as I type it…it sounds silly. Get ready for your baby sister? Aren't we already ready? Didn't we just do this? For you? The answer is yes, we did just get ready for you and we're still ready. We literally have everything a newborn baby could possibly need. We're just missing the baby. So how are we supposed to "get ready" and prepare for your baby sister, when nothing needs done? It's just another challenge on my heart.

The decision to redo your nursery didn't come lightly. Why take apart a perfectly beautiful nursery, decorated and put together with so much love, so many dreams, so many hopes? A nursery that has never been used. But it was made for YOU, baby Stella, and you aren't coming home to use it. Doesn't your baby sister deserve her own perfectly beautiful nursery, designed just for her? We decided yes, she does. And with your help and guidance, we moved everything out and got it ready to paint. It was difficult and bittersweet, but we felt we were doing the right thing. Then, the last thing your daddy did was take your name off the wall. And it hit me like a ton of bricks. It's over. It's really over. You're gone, you're never coming back. The nursery is no longer yours. I obviously know you've been gone, but taking your name off the wall just seemed so final. So, "time to move on," just like that. But you'll always be our first baby girl. It was always your nursery first. Thanks for letting us share it with your sister.

Then today we decided to go to Buy Buy Baby. I used to LOVE going to there while pregnant with you. We had some coupons, and I thought let's just go find some stuff to buy for your baby sister. Again, we need nothing, but I guess I was trying to satisfy my "need" to prepare and get ready for baby girl. It turned into an uncomfortable trip. We wandered around trying to force ourselves to buy things we don't really need, while trying to avoid the sales people asking us about our registry (which we obviously don't have, because we don't NEED ANYTHING). By the time we left, with nothing, I was in tears. What's the point? We don't need anything. And if we do, we don't know what, because we've never had a living baby before. And then my mind goes to the darkest place of all…we shouldn't buy anything more, because what if this baby dies too.

29 weeks pregnant. 8 weeks left. 59 days to go. We pray for peace, courage, and strength to make it that far.

Stella's perfect nursery

Baby girl's nursery-on it's way to perfect

10 months

As I laid in bed this morning, wondering how the last 10 months have happened the way they have, baby girl was rolling and jumping all about. As if to say, "I know what day it is mommy, and I know you're sad, but I'm here and I'm alive and well." And hopefully in just 80 short days, our lives won't feel like they are constantly on the verge of falling apart, again. Maybe in 80 days, the hole in our hearts won't be quite so deep. Maybe.

I have such a hard time believing our life is what it is. In the last 10 months, we have been forced to learn how to live without our first baby girl. We are still learning how to live without her. I feel like we will spend the rest of our lives learning how to keep going, how to keep surviving with this hole in our hearts and this void in our lives.  I feel like I'm always on the verge of a meltdown, on the verge of losing it, just trying to keep it together. Like any little thing might send me back into the deep dark hole. And a lot of the time, I just feel like I'm faking it. Faking that I'm ok, that life is ok. It's a wear out, a wear out I've lived with for 10 months, that I'll just have to keep living with. Our lives are so different. So different from what they used to be, from what I imagined they would be. And so very different from our close friends and family.  It hurts hearts my heart to realize this, but it's just another thing we can't change, that we just have to keep learning to live with.

One thing I do know, I would not have survived the last 10 months of this heartbreaking journey without my husband, without Stella's daddy. It's difficult to feel blessed when your world has turned upside down with tragedy, but I am blessed. Blessed beyond belief for having the husband I do. Many marriages don't survive the loss of a child. I think the divorce rate is close to 80% for couples who have lost a child. But I can honestly say, our marriage has never been better and our love has never been stronger.

Help us to continue on this journey without you, baby Stella. Help us to work on making a difference in the lives of others this happens to. Help us make you proud, while we hold your memory close to our hearts, and plan your memorial golf tournament. And especially help us bring your baby sister into this world alive. We want to know what a 10 month old baby girl is like. We need to know what it's like to be parents to a living baby girl, too.

Were you helping your baby sister say hello with a rainbow? Rainbow from our viewing deck. We love both of you baby girls.