One month left

One month left. Can I keep this baby alive for one more month? Doesn't seem like very long. Sounds easy enough. Or will my body fail me yet again? It did fail me once already, just 11 short days from your due date baby Stella. So, even though 31 days doesn't sound like much and we are in the home stretch…I can't help but have my doubts.

Sure, we are having more monitoring this time. We go to the doctor twice a week for non-stress tests (NST) where they monitor baby girl's heart rate and movements for about 30 minutes. She has been passing with flying colors so far. Keep it up baby girl! However, it's still hard to believe that this "extra monitoring" will really guarantee baby girls safe arrival, because after all, we were at the doctors THE DAY BEFORE last time. The day before Stella died, I was being "monitored" at the doctors, and what do you know... they were too dumb to see the signs and save her. So, in other words, NOTHING will make me feel safe or truly believe this is going to work out the way it should, the way it does for all the innocent pregnant people in the world….until baby girl is here ALIVE.

While I'm looking forward to the month of November, I'm also dreading it. I'm dreading that in 12 short  days our precious baby Stella will have been gone for a year. An entire year. How can that possibly be? What will we do to honor and celebrate you baby girl? Nothing seems even remotely good enough. We should be planning your first birthday party. Instead we are planning on how to survive such a heartbreaking day, while somehow honoring you and keeping your sweet memory alive. We do have your memorial golf tournament coming up November 22nd. Just 3 days before your baby sister's scheduled birthdate. Though horribly depressing, it should be a fun event, for a good cause.

31 more days. Can we survive? Can baby girl survive? Dear God and baby Stella, please give us the peace, strength, and courage to make it 31 more days.