Difficult realizations

It's becoming increasingly difficult to realize that NO ONE will ever truly understand the pain in my heart, besides Mark. And even more difficult to realize that we will carry this intense, unending heartache around with us for the rest of our living days. We will wake up everyday with a hole in our hearts that misses you and we will go to sleep every night with that same hole in our hearts still missing you. Literally, forever.

I thought this article spoke to these two difficult realizations, that others cannot know our pain and that it will truly last a lifetime.

Things you should never say to a bereaved parent.

http://stillstandingmag.com/2014/01/6-things-never-say-bereaved-parent/

Love you, my sweet baby girl.

Your first Easter

Easter in Heaven. What a special celebration that must be. Once again, your mommy is envious of you baby girl. They weren't kidding when they said this year of "firsts" without you would be extremely difficult. We miss you in absolutely everything we do, but we miss you even more on holidays. When we would have been starting our own little family traditions. Instead we just get to wonder what we would be doing with you, what you would look like, how big you would be…The wonder goes on and on.

We do have peace knowing that you are living in a place of true eternal joy. A place that with your continued guidance and love, we hope to join you one day. We know you are very much alive, because of Jesus and his sacrifices. The same Jesus that insisted He needed you in Heaven, instead of here on earth with your mommy and daddy. We love Him for taking care of you and letting you enter into His Kingdom, where there is no pain, no suffering, no evil. You lucky little girl. Happy Easter, my beautiful baby girl. Enjoy your day with all our loved ones up there, and all your baby friends too.

We love you, Stella St. Clair.

Psalm 23:6 Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will live in the house of the Lord forever.

Your other grandparents

Your daddy's parents, your Nana Sara and Papa Bill left today. They have been here visiting AZ since before Christmas.  That was less than 2 months after losing you. We were a wreck back then. I can feel it, I can feel we are different now. Through countless rough days and nights, and the worst weeks of our lives, we have begun down our path of healing in the last 4 months while they were here. And I know their presence helped us greatly. We may not have realized it at the time, but we needed them and we are very grateful for the time we got to spend with them. We had gotten quite used to having them around and we will definitely miss them. I feel blessed to have them as my in-laws, and you would have loved them as your Nana and Papa. 

Now it's just your daddy and me again. Working on living in our new normal, without you by our side. As we continue down this beyond challenging path, please give us peace, strength, and courage baby girl. We don't know what tomorrow brings, and we can't control it anyway. We miss you today and everyday, baby Stella. 

5 months

Almost half a year. How have we lived without seeing your precious face for almost half a year? I can't even let myself wonder too long... What would you be doing at 5 months old? What would you look like? Sometimes, I just don't have the energy. Don't get me wrong, I think about you and what you would be like every single day. But it's no less painful on my mind or my heart, than it was 5 months ago. So I can't allow myself to linger in that place for too long. Especially since I'll never know.

Some of the memories of you and your short time here with us are becoming more pleasant. My pregnancy with you was a very joyful, happy experience for us. Feeling you move and grow inside of me were special, blissful moments. Preparing your nursery and for your arrival was some of the most fun we've ever had. You'll always be our first baby. And of course you already know, you will always hold a special place in our hearts.

Can't wait until the day I can kiss your precious face again.

Your heartbeat

One year ago today, I was 7 weeks and 2 days pregnant. On April 2nd, 2013 your daddy and I saw you and your heart beating for the first time at our first ultrasound. Little did we know, we would see and hear your heartbeat for the following 31 weeks. And then, then… 22 weeks and 1 day ago, we saw and heard your heartbeat for the last time, ever. Because 22 weeks ago, it stopped. Your precious little heart just stopped beating. Why? We'll never know why. And we ask ourselves everyday. Why our baby? Why our Stella? It's just as hard to believe today, as it was 22 Wednesday's ago. You were here and then you were gone. Not a single second, of a single day has gone by that we haven't missed you beyond belief.

I impatiently wait for the day I can see and hear your heart beat again. We love you, Stella St. Clair.