Easter 2015

On this day one year ago, our lives changed forever, once again. On April 5, 2014 we learned we were pregnant, once again. We would either be blessed with the opportunity to bring a baby home this time or we would have another baby die. We knew we had nine long months ahead of us and we didn't know how or if we would survive. The overwhelming joy, shadowed with the ever present doubt filled our days and kept us awake many sleepless nights. We were being given a second chance, a second chance to be parents to a living baby, God willing. And so we hoped, and we wished, and we prayed. And of course, we couldn't help, but dare to dream. 

And here we are, 365 days later, Easter Sunday 2015, with the most beautiful rainbow baby in the world, alive and well in our arms. One little faint pink line turned into precious Iris St. Clair. A little girl adored with every ounce of love we have in our hearts. A little girl so hoped for, wished for, prayed for... That maybe wouldn't be here if we hadn't been forced to send you to Heaven baby Stella. How could that be? This time last year, the pain was so fresh, so raw. But with the news of being pregnant again, a tiny, yet enormous ray of hope had just been reignited in our hearts.

Today was a special day for many reasons. Iris was blessed in the church I was baptized in when I was 8 years old by my Papa, her Papa-Papa. Then we took her to visit her big sissy's grave. Bittersweet was an understatement. Taking your second daughter to meet your first daughter, at a cemetery. Something about that will never be right. Though we know they've met before, because we know Stella sent Iris down the rainbow to us, straight from Heaven. We haven't been back to Kansas since Stella's funeral, so we haven't been able to visit her grave since the weekend we buried her. Crazy to think I actually looked forward to bringing our first baby home to Kansas to visit Stella's grave, but I did. Because I certainly didn't want to come back without a baby. 

It's hard to believe tomorrow Iris will be 5 months old and Stella would have been 17 months old. Our baby girls have changed our lives, many times over. Through good memories and sad, they  make us who we are. We wouldn't change our journey for anything in this world. We feel blessed and thankful to be their mom and dad.

Happy Easter from Stella and Iris.

I still miss you

My heart has been a little heavy and unsettled the last couple days… and I think I finally figured out why. I miss you. Still. So much. Don't get me wrong, I've never stopped missing you. And trust me, by the grace of God and you, baby Iris is truly healing our hearts. But sometimes it still hurts, like the pain is brand new.

I guess I've identified a few possible reasons for this current ache in my heart. The last two nights we have decided to put baby Iris to sleep in her crib, alone in her nursery, for the very first time since we brought her home. That's right, for 4.5 months of her life, she has lived and slept no more than a few feet away from my bedside. Right where I could see her, touch her, smell her and be there to hold and comfort her in an instant. Or better yet, to comfort me in an instant. She has been right where I needed her to be. Last night after feeding baby Iris at 2am, I sat in the rocker in her room (your room) and rocked her, staring at her beautiful face, sleeping peacefully. And this overwhelming feeling of adoration, unconditional love, and heartbreaking loss washed over me. I couldn't take my eyes off of her. But I missed you. Here I was, holding and rocking my precious baby girl back to sleep. And I realized I had dreamed of this day for over 2 years. Then I laid her back down in her crib (your crib) and once again found myself standing there, staring. My heart aching with love, and again loss. How many times in the last 2 years have I stood at the edge of that crib and dreamed of the day my baby girl would be sleeping in it. More than my heart cares to count. Needless to say, I love baby Iris more than I've ever loved anything in my life, besides you of course. So, on we go experiencing her "firsts" without you, while holding you close to our hearts.

Yesterday, baby Iris also got to meet her Aunt Audrey for the first time. And I swear it's like she knew how special and important Audrey was to me during this last year after losing you…because, when your sister saw Audrey for the first time, she smiled and smiled and even giggled. And while Iris is getting more and more personality each day, she doesn't smile and giggle for just anyone, especially someone she has never met. Thanks to you, she knows her Aunt Audrey, I know she does. And while it's tough to see Andy and Audrey and the twins, because it brings last year's difficult memories flooding back, it's not anywhere near as painful. This year looks like last year was supposed to. But we're still missing you.

It's been a busy couple days on my heart. But thank you for the gift of your baby sister, and giving us the strength we need each and everyday, baby Stella. We would never be where we are without you shining over us.

Merry Christmas in Heaven

Hope you are enjoying your 2nd Christmas in Heaven sweet baby Stella. We miss you more than you'll ever know here on earth. But, thank you for making this Christmas drastically better than last. Thank you for letting us enjoy 7 week old baby Iris and her 1st Christmas today. Tell God thank you for giving his only Son so we can enjoy life here on earth, while knowing we're promised to get to spend eternity in Heaven with you.

Keep shining bright baby girl!

Grandma Julie, Grandpa Bill, Uncle Tyler & Aunt Taryne visited your grave today Miss Stella.

7 week old Iris dolled up for Christmas! 

Stella's ring and necklace…and our precious rainbow baby. Perfect Christmas.

You're still missing

Well, it's Christmas time again…and this year it's Iris's first Christmas. We get the joy of having our baby girl to celebrate this special time of year with. But, it's also the first Christmas we are choosing to celebrate since you've been gone baby Stella. You're still missing. And it still hurts.

Don't get me wrong, we are feeling beyond blessed and excited for this Christmas with baby Iris. We will cherish every moment and every memory we get to create this year. But, it's not just "all better." Our hearts are not just all healed. There is still a Stella sized hole in our hearts. Our first baby girl is still missing. And this time last year, we were in the depths of the ugliest days of our lives. How can those horrible memories not come rushing to the surface? Well they did. They did when we put up our Christmas tree this week. We didn't put our tree up last year, so this was another "first" without Stella. Seeing all the ornaments from all the happy, fun times in our lives. The innocence of another lifetime ago. It hit pretty hard, that while life is pretty damn good this year, Stella's still missing.

How do we balance the joy of Iris's first Christmas with the heartache we still feel missing Stella? Very carefully, I suppose. We don't want to be those creepy weird people that add Stella's picture to our Christmas card, or sign her name to it…or do we? Do we hang a stocking for her? Or do we just realize she's not here and never will be? It's a lot to figure out…what's wrong, what's right? How do we honor her and not act like we're moving on without her, but still keep our sanity? We are working to realize that baby Stella is still very much here, though not physically. She shows us her presence daily. She shines her bright star upon us. So, we put up her star tree and we took her sister's picture next to it. We'll seal our Christmas cards with a star sticker. We'll do the little things that mean something to us and tell baby Stella how much we love her, how much we miss her, and that we always will. Though Iris is truly healing our hearts, they will never be completely whole again. And that's ok, because that's our life and we still wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

The night after we put up our regular Christmas tree, after the pain and sadness really hit me again… we gave baby Iris a bath. And before her bath, we weighed her. She weighed 6 lbs, 11 oz. Exactly what you weighed when you were born, baby Stella. Daddy said he thought Iris's weight felt familiar ;) Thank you again baby girls, for giving us exactly what we need, exactly when we need it.

Baby Iris next to Stella's star tree

Baby Iris helping daddy put the *star* on our regular tree

Stella's 1st Birthday & Iris is BORN!!

By the grace of God, our rainbow baby, Iris St. Clair was born on November 6th, 2014 at 2:04 P.M. by repeat c-section. She was 34 weeks and 3 days. Iris weighed 4 lbs, 12 oz., and was 17.5 inches long.

Yes, Iris was born on her big sister's birthday. Exactly one year after we lost our sweet angel baby Stella and our lives came crashing down, our perfect rainbow baby was born and our lives almost feel put back together.

We were admitted to the hospital on Thursday, October 30th because of some blood work that came back elevated. It was serious enough, they were pondering delivering Iris that night, at 33 weeks and 3 days. The fear was overwhelming. We couldn't help but think we were going to lose this baby girl too. I received 2 sets of steroid shots over a 48 hour period to help mature baby girl's lungs in case it was time for her to make her appearance into this world. We anxiously and nervously hung out in the hospital for a week, getting blood tests and ultrasounds and hooked up to the heart rate monitor to watch over baby girl. Actually, anxious and nervous don't even begin to explain the real emotions of that long week. We listened to Iris's heartbeat 24 hours a day, for 7 days. Worrying and waiting. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for her precious heart to just stop beating for no reason. Waiting for our past to repeat itself, as a horrible outcome is all we knew. The new goal was to make it to 36 weeks, which would be November 17th. Stella's original due date. Wow, again.

On the afternoon of November 5th, Mark and I talked about how difficult and heartwrenching it was that we were going to be in the hospital on Stella's first birthday. Not only the hospital, the same hospital, on the same floor, just down the hall from where we delivered Stella. How would we feel? What would we do? To honor Stella? To celebrate Stella? To undoubtedly grieve for all that was still lost, one whole year later.

On the evening of November 5th, the doctors finally decided it was time. Iris was trying to find a way to get out into the world. So there it was, Iris would be born on November 6th. She would officially share a birthday with her angel sister Stella. We know this was not a coincidence. This was the work of a much higher power, no doubt God and baby Stella. Baby Stella did not want us to be sad on her birthday, she did not want us to feel empty and confused at how to honor her. She wanted her birthday to be a day of joy, peace, and true celebration. Stella wanted her first birthday, in Heaven, to be the best day of our lives.

So midday on November 6th, we walked into the exact same operating room where we delivered Stella. And my dream of laying on that operating table again, having them cut me open, and take out a living, crying baby…finally came true. Finally and perfectly. Our rainbow was here.

Iris went from being scheduled to arrive on November 25th- the day we buried Stella, to November 17th- Stella's original due date, to actually making her appearance….ON STELLA'S 1ST BIRTHDAY.  Try and tell me this wasn't baby Stella's doing…

And now it is the 6th of the month once again. And for the first time in a year, I am not meeting this day with dread, but with a blessed and happy heart. Thank you baby Stella. Today I get to finally take that long awaited picture of our daughter with her "1 month sticker" on her onesie. It's not Stella's one month birthday, but it is her little sisters, Iris.

IRIS- means "rainbow" in Greek. Iris was a Greek goddess that rode a rainbow delivering messages between Heaven and Earth. It also means "bringer of joy." We wholeheartedly agree.

Happy 13 Months in Heaven baby Stella, keeping shining bright little star. And Happy 1 Month on Earth baby Iris, our precious rainbow at the end of the darkest, most devastating storm.

One month left

One month left. Can I keep this baby alive for one more month? Doesn't seem like very long. Sounds easy enough. Or will my body fail me yet again? It did fail me once already, just 11 short days from your due date baby Stella. So, even though 31 days doesn't sound like much and we are in the home stretch…I can't help but have my doubts.

Sure, we are having more monitoring this time. We go to the doctor twice a week for non-stress tests (NST) where they monitor baby girl's heart rate and movements for about 30 minutes. She has been passing with flying colors so far. Keep it up baby girl! However, it's still hard to believe that this "extra monitoring" will really guarantee baby girls safe arrival, because after all, we were at the doctors THE DAY BEFORE last time. The day before Stella died, I was being "monitored" at the doctors, and what do you know... they were too dumb to see the signs and save her. So, in other words, NOTHING will make me feel safe or truly believe this is going to work out the way it should, the way it does for all the innocent pregnant people in the world….until baby girl is here ALIVE.

While I'm looking forward to the month of November, I'm also dreading it. I'm dreading that in 12 short  days our precious baby Stella will have been gone for a year. An entire year. How can that possibly be? What will we do to honor and celebrate you baby girl? Nothing seems even remotely good enough. We should be planning your first birthday party. Instead we are planning on how to survive such a heartbreaking day, while somehow honoring you and keeping your sweet memory alive. We do have your memorial golf tournament coming up November 22nd. Just 3 days before your baby sister's scheduled birthdate. Though horribly depressing, it should be a fun event, for a good cause.

31 more days. Can we survive? Can baby girl survive? Dear God and baby Stella, please give us the peace, strength, and courage to make it 31 more days.

11 months

11 months since we first said hello and goodbye to you baby Stella, our angel baby.

30 weeks pregnant with what better be our rainbow baby.

50 days left until our life changes all over again. For the better this time.

Keep shining bright for us, our little star. We will miss you and love you until the end of time.