"Is it your first?" Makes me want to scream at the top of my lungs, "NO, my first should be almost 10 months old, but she died 11 days before her due date. They don't know why. She was absolutely perfect. Her poor precious little heart just stopped beating for no reason! So, this is my SECOND. My second baby. My second daughter." But, somehow I don't feel like the waitress at the restaurant or the teller at the bank really need to know or hear this entire story that is my life. But, on the other hand, saying, "yes, this is our first" is a blatant lie and one I just can't stand to tell. I imagined this would be a difficult spot in this pregnancy, and it most certainly is. I don't feel the need to tell my story to every single person I meet, yet I feel like I'm betraying Stella if I don't tell the story. Needless to say, I'll be glad when I don't have to answer that question anymore. Of course, then I'm sure there will be something else. Something else that makes me uncomfortable. Like people assuming I've only got the one child, the one baby. When really, our life will never look complete again. We will always and forever be missing one. Our first one.
I'm 24 weeks pregnant today. 6 months exactly. And there are exactly 3 months left until we get to meet this new bundle of joy. Our rainbow baby. She, yes that's correct, SHE is officially scheduled to arrive Tuesday, November 25th at 7:30 A.M. I am anxiously expecting that Tuesday to be the best day of my life. High expectations, I know. November 25th, 2014 is exactly one year from the day we buried baby Stella. November 25th, 2013 was the second worst day of our lives as we laid our first baby girl to rest. November 25th, 2014 will be drastically different, as we welcome our anxiously awaited for, second baby girl. Pretty bittersweet birthday for this little girl. Thank you baby Stella for sending her to us. Thank you for making a day that we will always hold dear to our hearts even sweeter.
92 days left until the best day of my life, God willing. But who's counting?
This is the story of a mom trying to survive without her perfect, precious, stillborn daughter. We will never forget you, Stella St. Clair. If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever.
Monday, August 25, 2014
Wednesday, August 6, 2014
9 months
39 Wednesdays ago our perfect world was still in tact. 39 Wednesdays ago our perfect world turned upside down before our very eyes. 39 weeks. Baby Stella, you have officially been gone from our lives longer than you were here in our lives. That seems impossible. But, even though you are physically "gone" from our lives, you are still very much with us all day, everyday. We are who we are because of you. I know I've said this a million times before and I'll probably say it for the rest of my life…but, not a single day goes by that we don't think about you, that we don't talk about you, that we don't talk to you, and that we don't miss you with all our hearts and beyond our human understanding. You are still our daughter. Our first baby girl. Our everything.
There have been over 6,000 views to this blog since I started it back in December 2013. I know a great deal of family and friends read the blog, and thank you so very much for those of you reading. I've been told it's the best way for those that truly care about us to know how we're truly doing, how our hearts are truly holding up. I couldn't agree more. We have definitely learned who our true friends and closest family are through this tragedy. As I know there are many that don't read the blog, they think it's just too sad, too depressing. Well, that's an understatement. It's our sad, depressing life. But we wouldn't be where we are in our healing without those of you willing to read, willing to care. So, once again, thank you. Also 6,000 views seems like a lot to just be family and friends. So if there are any other mothers or families out there suffering through this same lifelong, unbearable pain, I hope this blog has helped you, as reading others blogs in the early days helped me. I hope it has helped you to at least know you are not alone on this heartbreaking journey.
There have been over 6,000 views to this blog since I started it back in December 2013. I know a great deal of family and friends read the blog, and thank you so very much for those of you reading. I've been told it's the best way for those that truly care about us to know how we're truly doing, how our hearts are truly holding up. I couldn't agree more. We have definitely learned who our true friends and closest family are through this tragedy. As I know there are many that don't read the blog, they think it's just too sad, too depressing. Well, that's an understatement. It's our sad, depressing life. But we wouldn't be where we are in our healing without those of you willing to read, willing to care. So, once again, thank you. Also 6,000 views seems like a lot to just be family and friends. So if there are any other mothers or families out there suffering through this same lifelong, unbearable pain, I hope this blog has helped you, as reading others blogs in the early days helped me. I hope it has helped you to at least know you are not alone on this heartbreaking journey.
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