My heart has been a little heavy and unsettled the last couple days… and I think I finally figured out why. I miss you. Still. So much. Don't get me wrong, I've never stopped missing you. And trust me, by the grace of God and you, baby Iris is truly healing our hearts. But sometimes it still hurts, like the pain is brand new.
I guess I've identified a few possible reasons for this current ache in my heart. The last two nights we have decided to put baby Iris to sleep in her crib, alone in her nursery, for the very first time since we brought her home. That's right, for 4.5 months of her life, she has lived and slept no more than a few feet away from my bedside. Right where I could see her, touch her, smell her and be there to hold and comfort her in an instant. Or better yet, to comfort me in an instant. She has been right where I needed her to be. Last night after feeding baby Iris at 2am, I sat in the rocker in her room (your room) and rocked her, staring at her beautiful face, sleeping peacefully. And this overwhelming feeling of adoration, unconditional love, and heartbreaking loss washed over me. I couldn't take my eyes off of her. But I missed you. Here I was, holding and rocking my precious baby girl back to sleep. And I realized I had dreamed of this day for over 2 years. Then I laid her back down in her crib (your crib) and once again found myself standing there, staring. My heart aching with love, and again loss. How many times in the last 2 years have I stood at the edge of that crib and dreamed of the day my baby girl would be sleeping in it. More than my heart cares to count. Needless to say, I love baby Iris more than I've ever loved anything in my life, besides you of course. So, on we go experiencing her "firsts" without you, while holding you close to our hearts.
Yesterday, baby Iris also got to meet her Aunt Audrey for the first time. And I swear it's like she knew how special and important Audrey was to me during this last year after losing you…because, when your sister saw Audrey for the first time, she smiled and smiled and even giggled. And while Iris is getting more and more personality each day, she doesn't smile and giggle for just anyone, especially someone she has never met. Thanks to you, she knows her Aunt Audrey, I know she does. And while it's tough to see Andy and Audrey and the twins, because it brings last year's difficult memories flooding back, it's not anywhere near as painful. This year looks like last year was supposed to. But we're still missing you.
It's been a busy couple days on my heart. But thank you for the gift of your baby sister, and giving us the strength we need each and everyday, baby Stella. We would never be where we are without you shining over us.
This is the story of a mom trying to survive without her perfect, precious, stillborn daughter. We will never forget you, Stella St. Clair. If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever.
