Merry Christmas in Heaven

Hope you are enjoying your 2nd Christmas in Heaven sweet baby Stella. We miss you more than you'll ever know here on earth. But, thank you for making this Christmas drastically better than last. Thank you for letting us enjoy 7 week old baby Iris and her 1st Christmas today. Tell God thank you for giving his only Son so we can enjoy life here on earth, while knowing we're promised to get to spend eternity in Heaven with you.

Keep shining bright baby girl!

Grandma Julie, Grandpa Bill, Uncle Tyler & Aunt Taryne visited your grave today Miss Stella.

7 week old Iris dolled up for Christmas! 

Stella's ring and necklace…and our precious rainbow baby. Perfect Christmas.

You're still missing

Well, it's Christmas time again…and this year it's Iris's first Christmas. We get the joy of having our baby girl to celebrate this special time of year with. But, it's also the first Christmas we are choosing to celebrate since you've been gone baby Stella. You're still missing. And it still hurts.

Don't get me wrong, we are feeling beyond blessed and excited for this Christmas with baby Iris. We will cherish every moment and every memory we get to create this year. But, it's not just "all better." Our hearts are not just all healed. There is still a Stella sized hole in our hearts. Our first baby girl is still missing. And this time last year, we were in the depths of the ugliest days of our lives. How can those horrible memories not come rushing to the surface? Well they did. They did when we put up our Christmas tree this week. We didn't put our tree up last year, so this was another "first" without Stella. Seeing all the ornaments from all the happy, fun times in our lives. The innocence of another lifetime ago. It hit pretty hard, that while life is pretty damn good this year, Stella's still missing.

How do we balance the joy of Iris's first Christmas with the heartache we still feel missing Stella? Very carefully, I suppose. We don't want to be those creepy weird people that add Stella's picture to our Christmas card, or sign her name to it…or do we? Do we hang a stocking for her? Or do we just realize she's not here and never will be? It's a lot to figure out…what's wrong, what's right? How do we honor her and not act like we're moving on without her, but still keep our sanity? We are working to realize that baby Stella is still very much here, though not physically. She shows us her presence daily. She shines her bright star upon us. So, we put up her star tree and we took her sister's picture next to it. We'll seal our Christmas cards with a star sticker. We'll do the little things that mean something to us and tell baby Stella how much we love her, how much we miss her, and that we always will. Though Iris is truly healing our hearts, they will never be completely whole again. And that's ok, because that's our life and we still wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

The night after we put up our regular Christmas tree, after the pain and sadness really hit me again… we gave baby Iris a bath. And before her bath, we weighed her. She weighed 6 lbs, 11 oz. Exactly what you weighed when you were born, baby Stella. Daddy said he thought Iris's weight felt familiar ;) Thank you again baby girls, for giving us exactly what we need, exactly when we need it.

Baby Iris next to Stella's star tree

Baby Iris helping daddy put the *star* on our regular tree

Stella's 1st Birthday & Iris is BORN!!

By the grace of God, our rainbow baby, Iris St. Clair was born on November 6th, 2014 at 2:04 P.M. by repeat c-section. She was 34 weeks and 3 days. Iris weighed 4 lbs, 12 oz., and was 17.5 inches long.

Yes, Iris was born on her big sister's birthday. Exactly one year after we lost our sweet angel baby Stella and our lives came crashing down, our perfect rainbow baby was born and our lives almost feel put back together.

We were admitted to the hospital on Thursday, October 30th because of some blood work that came back elevated. It was serious enough, they were pondering delivering Iris that night, at 33 weeks and 3 days. The fear was overwhelming. We couldn't help but think we were going to lose this baby girl too. I received 2 sets of steroid shots over a 48 hour period to help mature baby girl's lungs in case it was time for her to make her appearance into this world. We anxiously and nervously hung out in the hospital for a week, getting blood tests and ultrasounds and hooked up to the heart rate monitor to watch over baby girl. Actually, anxious and nervous don't even begin to explain the real emotions of that long week. We listened to Iris's heartbeat 24 hours a day, for 7 days. Worrying and waiting. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for her precious heart to just stop beating for no reason. Waiting for our past to repeat itself, as a horrible outcome is all we knew. The new goal was to make it to 36 weeks, which would be November 17th. Stella's original due date. Wow, again.

On the afternoon of November 5th, Mark and I talked about how difficult and heartwrenching it was that we were going to be in the hospital on Stella's first birthday. Not only the hospital, the same hospital, on the same floor, just down the hall from where we delivered Stella. How would we feel? What would we do? To honor Stella? To celebrate Stella? To undoubtedly grieve for all that was still lost, one whole year later.

On the evening of November 5th, the doctors finally decided it was time. Iris was trying to find a way to get out into the world. So there it was, Iris would be born on November 6th. She would officially share a birthday with her angel sister Stella. We know this was not a coincidence. This was the work of a much higher power, no doubt God and baby Stella. Baby Stella did not want us to be sad on her birthday, she did not want us to feel empty and confused at how to honor her. She wanted her birthday to be a day of joy, peace, and true celebration. Stella wanted her first birthday, in Heaven, to be the best day of our lives.

So midday on November 6th, we walked into the exact same operating room where we delivered Stella. And my dream of laying on that operating table again, having them cut me open, and take out a living, crying baby…finally came true. Finally and perfectly. Our rainbow was here.

Iris went from being scheduled to arrive on November 25th- the day we buried Stella, to November 17th- Stella's original due date, to actually making her appearance….ON STELLA'S 1ST BIRTHDAY.  Try and tell me this wasn't baby Stella's doing…

And now it is the 6th of the month once again. And for the first time in a year, I am not meeting this day with dread, but with a blessed and happy heart. Thank you baby Stella. Today I get to finally take that long awaited picture of our daughter with her "1 month sticker" on her onesie. It's not Stella's one month birthday, but it is her little sisters, Iris.

IRIS- means "rainbow" in Greek. Iris was a Greek goddess that rode a rainbow delivering messages between Heaven and Earth. It also means "bringer of joy." We wholeheartedly agree.

Happy 13 Months in Heaven baby Stella, keeping shining bright little star. And Happy 1 Month on Earth baby Iris, our precious rainbow at the end of the darkest, most devastating storm.